I go through life in inches and pounds

Math

2012-02-01T11:40:00.001-05:00

I chose my college based on one thing: Dr. Douglas Ubelaker.

I wanted to be a forensic anthropologist because it combined all my nerdy interests -- archaeology, osteology, population genetics, geology, crime scene analysis, and the pursuit of justice. It just so happened that not only is Dr. Ubelaker at the top of his field as well as the curator of physical anthropology at the Smithsonian, but he teaches at GWU.

My application to GWU was the only college application I prepared. I was accepted as an early decision student. I couldn't wait to share the news with Dr. Ubelaker, with whom I had begun a correspondence my senior year in High School. I developed a 5-year plan where, after the first three years, I would have a degree in Biological Anthropology, and after two more years, I would have a masters degree in forensic anthropology. Or so I thought.

Standing in my way was Doc Rowley and Chemistry for Science Majors. Okay, those weren't the obstacles, but rather a touch of dyscalculia and my TA's (teaching assistant who ran the lab sessions) thick accent (she was from Tobago). For the first time in my life, my grade at the end of a semester was a C minus. I was beside myself.

Instead of getting a tutor, or applying myself harder (because I never had to work hard to understand things in HS), my first instinct was to quit. I went to Doc Rowley (who was not just my professor, but the dean of the school of forensics at the time) and asked to withdraw. He cited my perfect attendance to his class, my eagerness to participate, and my facility with the material. We looked at my tests and it was obvious that it all came down to numbers. He said "I know you know what you're talking about, but you need to quantify it." We struck a deal that if I didn't pass the first test of the second semester, that he would grant me the withdrawal. I got a D on that test. I don't know if it was because I didn't try hard enough, or because I just wanted out of something I had no natural gift for.

When I went to him with the paperwork for the withdrawal he said to me "Come back any time. I'll be here for you when you're ready." My copy of the withdrawal slip is one of the few momentos I have kept from college. A reminder to myself that someone believed in me more than I believed in myself. In retrospect, I am very proud of that C (though it kept me from graduating summa cum laude) because it has come to represent struggle, not failure. My failure was not getting the help when I needed it. Pride got in the way.

I would go on to major in English, with minors in creative writing and biological anthropology (and had I taken some music theory classes, I would have had a minor in vocal performance). My degree has served me well, especially in light of the surge in interest for forensics that shows like CSI and Bones has created (thus deflating the salaries of most lab monkeys).

So, you're wondering how this applies to weight loss and my blog in general?

Confession: I have gained 11 lbs since the end of November. I'm now over the number I said that I would never go over.

Caveat: I also haven't had a proper bowel movement thanks to Percocet in a few days, so that might just be artificially inflating the gain. And yes, I've been drinking lots of water and getting fiber in my diet.

Truth: Even if 11 isn't the exact number, my behaviors have failed me.

Factors:
(1) I'm not allowed to exercise at all until I have been cleared by my doctor/physical therapist. I'm only allowed to walk, and I have a 30-45 minute window before my back/neck starts to hurt.

(2) As a class of drugs, steroids (in this case, Depo Medrol) are known to cause increased appetite and weight gain (among other things). Oh, it has been known to cause depression as well.

(3) I've been insatiable. I know that is more a mental feeling than a physical one. I've chosen to quiet the beast by giving it what it wants instead of doing the work of mindful eating.

(4) I've been making bad choices as well as not tracking what I eat. My choices are based on whim, proximity, and availablility.

Game Plan:
(1) Think about getting a membership to the local YMCA -- they have a pool, go to rehab, negotiate pool privileges with doctork.

(2) The side effects aren't "get out of jail free" cards -- stop treating them like one. They aren't justification or free passes. I know the possible side effects. I don't need to play into them.

(3) Start doing the math again. Make logical and thoughtful choices based on what I know to be true versus letting my emotions run the show.

(4) Make better choices. Plan better.

(5) Learn the lessons from the story above: (a) enlist help; (b) admit shortcomings; (c) realize that I haven't unlearned anything; (d) come back to it when I'm ready.

and most importantly...

(6) Don't give up without a fight.

Shared History

2012-02-01T10:38:00.002-05:00

I am lucky that my mom wrote the story of my birth and homecoming in my baby book. She wrote that she had white powered donuts before going to the hospital, that my dad called me his "Bright Eyed Bobbi," and that my brother fell in love with me the instant he met me. There are photos of him playing the part of big brother (he's 17 months older than me) all throughout the family photo albums.

I remember my parents (or someone) once saying that the best reason to love my brother is because there is no one genetically more alike to me in the world than he is. In other words, we should bond because we inherited some of the same traits from our parents. This memory made me chuckle when I learned how much shared DNA humans have with chimpanzees and bonobos or the rest of the hominids in general.

In the years since, I've come to realize a different, more compelling truth: that there is no one in the world who shares more of my history with me than my brother. He was there when I was born, and up until he went to college, there were only a few days (school trips, mainly) where we didn't see each other.

I couldn't see that truth while we were growing up. Whether it was intentional (on my mother's part) or unintentional (on my father's part), my parents engineered comparisons and competition between my brother and I, instead of fostering a relationship that would draw us closer. My mother used this to her advantage when it came to chores, school, and all-over behavior. (Keep in mind, we weren't bad kids at all -- just sometimes our intellect got in the way of blindly following what our elders told us to do.) I think she felt like we couldn't gang up on her if we were rivals.

After our mom died, there were other issues that caused tension between my brother and I. Most of the tension I would chalk up to not having much guidance about how to grieve for her and how to get on with the daily business of living life. Suffice it to say that we had different priorities and visions of how to just get through things.

But then a wonderful thing happened -- college. My mom always liked to joke that our first words were "scholarship" -- but the serious truth about the joke is that my mom didn't escape the manipulative clutch of her mother until college. I think mom wanted the same for us, without admitting any shortcomings on her part. She wanted us to be independent. Once we both went away to college and started differentiating our fields of study, the wedge that separated us began to falter. No one was asking us to compete with each other. No one compared my brother to me, or me to my brother.

We were free to become friends and not rivals.

I don't want to put words in his mouth, but from my own experience and observation, I think we both used our time in college to sort through and contextualize each of our first 18 years. It was a time of understanding, growth, forgiveness, and a lot of gut-wrenching hard work. For me, a large part of that was learning how to let go of pain and hurt that expressed itself as anger (i.e., I stopped being a heinous bitch). For both of us, I think it wa s a time to come into our own in trusting our intuition and intellect when it came to how we wanted to be as people and how we wanted to live our lives.

But this post isn't about how we became different people. It's about how there's no one else in the world who knows me better than my brother. And I'm not just talking about knowing me, knowing my heart -- but I mean being able to summon up the context for who I am, what I say, how I think, and what I do. Even better is that sometimes I need not say a thing and he just gets it.

On Monday, he helped me get cat supplies (litter and cat food that weighed a total of 46lbs) -- one of the hardest things to do for myself while my neck/back is injured. We grabbed some dinner while out and he even helped me get it upstairs and into my apartment. My cats practically tackled him upon opening the door. We eventually got to talking about life, work, and my back injury. I took out my Human Osteology Field Manual and showed him where my herniated discs are, where the bulges are, and how it affects my nerves. I even drew (badly) on my whiteboard the difference between a bulge and a hernia. As he was about to leave, I broke down into tears, finally admitting the thing that has been weighing on my heart the most -- "I don't want to end up like Mom." In his eyes I could see he knew exactly what I meant by comparing myself to our mother.

In the movie version that is my life, there either would have been some exposition as to what that meant, or flashbacks showing what I meant. But as this is not the movie of my life, I'm just going to leave that comment about my mom where it is for the time being because the point of the post is that I'm thankful that there's at least one person out there I don't need to explain anything to. I'm lucky to call him "brother."

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

2012-01-26T01:54:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time (on the heels of a mistake turn on my romantic journey), Karen Anderson issued a challenge to me:

I want you to write a post about the man of your dreams. I want you to write every detail about this guy. I want you to write about the good men out there...the ones that don't come with any warnings. Don't hold back...write as if your life depended on it. The only catch is, it all has to be written in glowingly positive terms and phrases.

Do you accept??

I will start my answer by roughly quoting my friend Jorge, who said "All women are like ticking time bombs, it's just a matter of finding what sets them off. "

So the simple answer, using Jorge's metaphor, would be that the right man for me (or any woman) is the one that can disarm me.

Rather, he is not a charmer (same as what one does to snakes) but rather the enzyme to my substrate, the key to my lock, the MacGuyver to my sticks of dynamite mounted to a clock. The right man will allow me to let down my defenses and will not dishonor that trust.

But Karen wanted specifics, right? I will use Patti Stanger's help with this. In her book "Become Your Own Matchmaker" she suggests making a few lists, but in particular (on page 140 of the paperback), (1) Ten Must Haves; and (2) Five Non-Negotiables. The five non-negotiables are the first five entries on the ten must haves list. I figured that is a good a place as any to start (and i will try my best to put it in positive terms):

1. He must live with integrity. For me, this means a man who values honesty, treats all people with kindness and respect, values his reputation as a good and kind man (a gentleman), and who lives by a deeply-engrained moral compass of his own formation. He sees himself as the sum of all his thoughts and actions, not just his best ones. He honors his commitments and stands by his word.

2. He must be healthy. For me, this means someone who takes care of himself in all aspect of his life. He might not be perfect all the time (none of us are), or "in progress," but he seeks to be: balanced psychologically; curious intellectually/mentally; active physically; and, responsible fiscally. If these are the case, he seeks no woman to be his cure, but be his bounty. He also knows grass fed steaks are better than corn fed. He is a non-smoker and has no substance addictions. (And I promise to never view him as a "fixer upper" if he can see my progress in return.)

3. He must see the joy and possibilities of life with humor in his heart and a mischivieous twinkle in his eyes. For me, this means someone who defines himself not by what he does to make money, but by the friends he makes, the lives he enriches, the wonders he sees. He is more of an optimist and sees brick walls as challenges, not boundaries. He sees the world as his playground and I his willing playmate.

4. He is strong enough to protect me and vulnerable enough to let me protect him. Physically I would like to find my big spoon (someone taller and stronger than me), but emotionally/mentally I would like someone who can be my fortress, my comfort, my relief, my counterbalance, and my hero. I will be those things to him in return. This depends entirely on honesty, trust, compassion, friendship, and fidelity.

5. He must love animals. Hopefully I don't need to explain this one.

6. He is romantic. I don't mean the cheesy/predictable type. And I don't expect him to be a mindreader. I just mean the kind of guy that pays attention/notices. He sees romance not as a means to get sex, but as the outward expression of his feelings. He is also communicative and flirty with me. He smiles when he sees me walk in a room.

7. He is generous. Not in terms of money or gifts, but in terms of time and thought. He will debate, but rarely argue or fight. He volunteers somewhere that means a great deal to him. He is the guy his friends know they can in the middle of the night. He is driven more by the common good than personal enrichment. He thinks the best of people until they prove otherwise, and still can forgive.

8. He doesn't sweat the small stuff. Sometimes details are important, sometimes they are not. He knows the difference. When they are important, he is deliberate and thoughtful. When they are not, he knows when to let go.

9. He knows how to be silly. He knows how to laugh at himself. He knows how to get others to laugh. He is not a punchline or a buffoon, but someone whose pride is not fragile.

10. He knows how to cook, is handy with tools, and/or enjoys cleaning. I am not looking for a slave or to be one either. Nesting is best when done as a collaborative effort. He is interested in trying new recipes, learning how things work, etc.

Reading back on what I wrote, my list is mainly about my perfect man's character and his outlook on life. However, Karen asked for a comprehensive description, so I assume that means also describing my "type." I must admit that any time I have dreamed about my perfect man, the above list never came with a face or body. To that extent, I hope that means I am flexible regarding the superficial traits below:

Nathan Fillion is dreamy.

My dream guy ....
--is over 5'11 (the taller the better), and between 175 and 230lbs, with a generally fit physique, but not rock solid or on the juice. --smells good (combination of laundry detergent, soap and/or cologne)
--practices good oral hygiene (yes, he flosses)
--can equally appreciate a well-tailored suit/tux, the right pair of jeans, as well as dry-fit technology (he also has disdain for all things ed hardy-esque, and would never be confused for a hipster)
--maybe has dark hair and light blue/green/grey eyes, full lips, and a nice tush
--is cool with me eating meat even if he doesn't
--is educated, but not an insufferable snob about it
--has full command of the English language and its grammar, and he opts to use it
--is someone my dad would to be proud to call "son" without wanting to run a criminal background check on him
--knows that the way to my heart is winning over my cats and respecting my teddy bear's place on my bed
--can draw a solid line between work and life
--can socialize sober
--is as happy living in the city as he is vacationing on the beach or in the middle of nowhere --has musical talent and/or an appreciation for music
--is willing to dance badly with me, or well for me
--is a voracious reader of more than just cereal boxes
--has diverse interests and unlimited curiosity
--is witty (humor + smarts + timing)
--would rather play outside than on a gaming system, and is maybe on a sports team
--is atheist, agnostic, secular humanist, quasi buddhist
--likes to travel and is as comfortable camping as he is in a hotel
--is experienced sexually, but not a manslut, has no STDs or dangerous fetishes
--is a generous, creative, and patient lover and loves kissing
--doesn't steal all the covers or snore loudly
--either wants kids or is indecisive
--never calls an ex-girlfriend a bitch
--can see himself in a monogamous/committed relationship
--will never throw the kitchen sink at me (dredge up the past)
--is not violent/controlling to me, kids, animals, etc., and does not have a temper
--risks hurting me with the truth, rather than hurting me with lies

(okay... Gonna stop as i see the list is long and veering towards negative traits)
so i'll end with what I want above all else...

My dream guy says he loves me (sincerely without cause or prompting), acts like he loves me (in public and in private, and never makes me doubt that he loves me (even if we are fighting). He disarms me and lets me be the best version of myself while loving him.

Disney's Cinderella told her little bird and mouse friends that she wasn't going to tell them her dreams for fear they wouldnt come true (that telling would jinx her). I am a little nervous about hitting "post" for the same reason. But in the same scene, she sings "no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true." I know that is Karen's intent, for me to announce my intentions to the universe.

Who knows... Maybe the next dating post i write will be simply to tell you this worked and I am madly in love.

Here goes...

Show, Don't Tell

2012-01-24T12:55:00.001-05:00

I was a creative writing minor in college. The #1 rule I lived by was "Show, Don't Tell."   For example, a book would be quite boring if it was all telling. "She was in a church. It was old. It was night. She said "I'm cold and scared." Versus "She darted into the sanctuary of the cathedral with only a sliver of moonlight to guide her. The winter wind whipped around the joints of the building, finding a crevice to permeate the safety she thought she had found." Get the picture?

It's the guiding principle behind most art -- to involve the reader or beholder as an active participant in the story or painting, instead of a passive one. Trust that the reader or beholder is smart enough to make the connections and follow you.

What does this have to do with my FGvW mission statement? Two things that are almost related, but not quite:

1. I think it's a cheap literary mechanism that so often if someone is overweight that they're assumed to be miserable, lonely, unloved, and own 39 cats. If a person is overweight and 100% happy or 100% normal, the author has to work against that stereotype to say "but really, s/he loves his/her life!" Though, I fully admit that I'm not the most well-read person out there, especially when it comes to fiction. Does anyone know an example of a piece of fiction where a character never blames their body fat for their unhappiness at one point or another or that it's mentioned that the person is fat, and never brought up again? It just seems that with fat people, their weight is almost a character (antagonist) onto its own.

2. Magazines. Ugh. If you've been with FGvW for a while you know that I have a love/hate relationship with magazines. The girly side of me enjoys looking at new makeup, fashions, or human interest stories. The FGvW side of me abhors when they give out diet advice. Why? Because they so often tell, and not show.

Case in point: How often have you seen an article for the 1,400 Calorie Diet! or the 1,600 Calorie Diet! or any similar article variation without a disclaimer about how to calculate your daily caloric needs.  Why 1400 calories? I think that's how many calories the average coma patient burns. Some doctors say it's the threshold between starvation and proper nutrition, but even then, it greatly varies for people.

Is it because *twirls hair* girls are dumb and math is hard? OR is it because the average magazine reader searching for a miracle diet would rather remain blissfully unaware of the basic rule behind all weight loss success, that is, the number of calories consumed must be less than the number of calories expended. Eat less, exercise more. BUT, there is a caveat that they never really mention -- that if you restrict your caloric intake too far, and burn too many calories, a body (especially a woman's because we're genetically programmed to hold on to fat/calories in the chance we become pregnant) will start to resist burning calories (on top of all the other psychological and physiological effects of the starvation/malnutrition).

Ask any dietitian or doctor -- in order to lose weight, one must eat. One must eat in a manner that fuels their weight loss (a diverse range of nutritious and unprocessed/minimally processed food). That's a hard headline to sell on a magazine, eh?  The general magazine reader would balk at a headline that said "The 1,800 Calorie Weight Loss Diet." But for me, that's my sweetspot. That's what I need to eat in order to grant my body the permission to burn calories. It's different for each person, and this is why I suggest working with a dietitian or a doctor.  This is also why I don't publish my food log or diet on my blog because I don't want anyone blindly following my path without knowing what is best for their body.

I highly recommend using a BodyMediaFit device that measures (not approximates) your activity. There are also devices like the FitBit that don't measure (i.e. they do not measure the heat coming off your body), but rather approximate calorie burn. Some people love them, but I'm a bit dubious. If you cannot afford one of these devices, I recommend doing the math -- (Basal Metibolic Rate) x (Harris Beneditct Factor) = Caloric Expenditure. Or if you are afraid of math, use a handy dandy web calculator like this one, or like this one.

And then just DO THE MATH.

1 lb = 3500 Calories

If you're dieting for 7 days a week (i.e. no "cheat days," which I think are a bad mentality), you need to average a 500 calorie deficit a day to lose 1 lb a week, average a 750 calorie deficit a day to lose 1.5 lbs a week, and average a 1000 calorie deficit a day to lose 2 lbs a week. The CDC claims that people who lose between 1-2 lbs a week are most likely to keep the weight off in the long haul. (Flip the "deficit" to a "surplus" to gain weight.)

So next time you see an article like that, please don't rush to follow it (especially if it's called a "detox" or a "cleanse") without knowing what works for you. Take the ideas, take the recipes, but don't take it as a diet tailored for your individual needs.

So... what will magazines have left to sell once an educated public is reading them?

Just wanted to share this...

2012-01-20T09:45:00.001-05:00

Life is messy. Sometimes it stinks.

But you keep on going.

Right?

You're going to do what with a what in my where?

2012-01-18T11:39:00.013-05:00

Fancy needle work

Fluoroscopically-guided epidural injection

So.. I have a herniated disc between C5-6, a bulge in C6-7, and three bulges with annular tears (degenerating discs) from L3 to S1. Not only does the bulge/herniation put pressure on my spinal cord, but it affects other nerves. The neck is causing pain mainly down my left shoulder/arm. The lower back affects nerves that control my lower half of my body (if I sneeze I fear losing control of my bladder).

In late July, I went to my orthopedist because of neck pain. An x-ray was taken but as it didn't show bone issues he conservatively diagnosed me with cervical radiculitis. As I had some success with epidural steroids for my back (2 injections back in 2007), we decided to first try oral steroids and rehab along with rest from boxing. I felt okay until late November, when I started feeling weakness and numbness in my left arm when exercising (such as when doing pushups, planks, or even when boxing). I went back for the MRI in early December and the MRI showed a herniation. The next conservative step was to try epidural steroids again (not an epidural nerve block).

They inject the steroids into the epidural fat that
surrounds the disc as well as the spine

I booked my epidural at the Sibley Pain Center (same place as my two epis for my lower back) with Dr. Heckman. Below is a rough idea of the procedure:

After administrative intake, a nurse and I did the medical intake. She took some baseline stats for blood pressure and temperature. She gave me discharge information and then we went over the procedure orally. Dr. Heckman and I then met. He reviewed the CD of my MRI to confirm the radiologist report, we discussed the procedure, and he fielded a few questions.

They would put in an IV with saline in the small chance I of a seizure from Lidocaine injections into neck (miniscule risks are still risks), that way they'd be able to deliver anti-seizure medication without having to look for a vein.

Then they did 2-3 Lidocaine injections around the epidural injection site to numb the skin/muscles and help prevent pain. Next, they use a fluoroscope to guide the epidural needle into the intralaminar space near the affected disc to deliver the steroids (the fat in this area would help draw the medicine to the affected area). I would feel a poke and then some pressure as the steroids are injected. As it is so close to my spinal cord, I cannot move or talk when this is happening.

So that is how the procedure is supposed to go. What follows was my experience of how it went:

I handled the IV without freaking out, but then started feeling very warm and started sweating. We slowed down until I felt better. Between the Lidocaine shots and epidural, my blood pressure dropped out twice and I was starting to have trouble talking. This is a vasovagal response (which sounds way cooler than saying "I started to faint"). As a matter of protocol, they would not do the epidural while I'm unconscious.

The doctor suggested we stop but I told him to continue once my blood pressure stabilized (I told him i didn't come here for nothing and that I would "power through this" and that I had my "big girl panties on"). He re-sterilized the injection site and did 2 more Lidocaine shots, then he proceeded with the epidural. Once he was done, I was fine. My blood pressure stabilized and I was then allowed to have my applesauce and crackers.

my awesome blood
pressure post-epidural

I never lost consciousness. The nurse talking to me the whole time was very soothing and I was able to let them know how i was doing. They knew ahead of time that I was needle phobic and had a history of fainting. It helped them that I kept a dialogue going about my reactions -- so they could help me get through things. Next time i am wearing shorts though. I was too hot.

The whole process (intake, consult with the doctor, prep, injection, recovery took about 1.25 hours. During the ride home I felt every bump and deceleration in my neck and felt a little woozy. Once I was outside in the cool air I was fine. (This happened when i got the epis in my lower back 2 years ago--drove home with the windows open).

The rest of the day I iced the injection site and was able to move around. Steroids worked for a week and then wore off (this is to be expected as one often needs more than one shot (and up to 3 in a 6 month period) to experience consistent relief).

Rehab is lonely and taking care of my responsibilities is hard (I hate losing my independence, and thus am stubborn to a fault). I cannot take pain meds before work as they make me spacey. I have headaches almost every day on top of the tinnitus (a common symptom of cervical herniations) that is driving me nuts (you know that ringing in your ears you feel for 20 minutes after a loud concert... imagine that all the time). I come home and nap instead of eating dinner, cleaning my apt, or socializing. I wake up in the middle of the night and start cursing because my sleep schedule is so out of whack. My bosses are supportive but I hate not being 100% (sleep deprived, spacey, and otherwise "not all there") while at work.

Emotionally the injury can be worse than the physical aspects. I feel broken and useless when I am in pain. Exercise is not recommended for me right now and that robs me of one of my coping mechanisms. I cringe anytime someone tries to hug me. And so many people have unknowingly hurt me by greeting me and slapping my back between my shoulders. I can't imagine dating when I can't bend my head to kiss a guy, and hate having to explain why I am in pain, and that I don't want pity (but often can't avoid the topic).

Nurse Jack and Dr. Spike

Getting a checkup by Nurse Jack

The cats keep me company on days like this when I am in bed, propped up, and can't do much except use my phone (TV and computer are at weird angles to my head). Again it isn't the pain of the disc and how it is affecting my arm that is keeping me in bed, but the known side effects of cervical hernias: headaches and the tinnitus. It is my hope that a second epidural (and a third if I need it) will alleviate this.

I totally understand why my mom drank to deal with the pain/take the edge off and why she spent so many days in bed. I just don't want to be like that. I am fighting this with all I've got. I'm trying to avoid the medications, lest I get hooked (considering the history of addiction that runs rampant in my family). I am trying to allow my friends in on this, but I still feel it is a lot to ask (in terms of understanding or helping me), and harder to return the favor. I am trying to take things one step at a time and try not to get freaked out by the eventualities of degenerative disc disease.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't exhausted by and scared of all of this.

Next epidural scheduled January 25.

The #GoTheDist Head Fake

2012-01-09T10:17:00.001-05:00

Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch's diagnosis of pancreatic cancer was, for all intents and purposes, a death sentence. Carnegie Mellon tasked Randy Pausch with the honor of being the speaker during their "Last Lecture" series shortly after his diagnosis and instead of being morose about his prognosis, he decided to call it "Achieving Your Childhood Dreams." The Youtube video of The Last Lecture is worth the time (1 hr 16 minutes) to watch, as is the book worth the time to read.

I don't want to spoil the video or the book for anyone, but I want to introduce what Randy Pausch calls the "head fake." The example he gives is when a kid learns to play football, he not only learns the game, but the deeper lessons of camaraderie, sportsmanship, dedication, rule following, etc. They are life's little lessons in disguise.

I posted on Facebook, asking if anyone knew what the #GoTheDist head fake was and, as of the time that I am writing this, there have been no replies. I attribute that more to it being the weekend and everyone logging some activity. [Edit: as of Monday morning, there was one reply from Sue Ward: I think it has to do with the way we psych ourselves into believing that we can't possibly do or achieve something. I'm beginning to learn that it works both ways - I'm learning to psych myself into believing that I can #GoTheDist!]

I bill #GoTheDist as a challenge that logs effort and consistency (% completion) instead of results (inches/lbs). While this is true, there is also a few head fakes working as well.

#GoTheDist is about:

learning how to not underestimate your capabilities or sell yourself short while setting achieveable goals
learning how to plan, prepare, and track so that you create your success, rather than just stumbling upon it;
learning how to celebrate each milestone as an indication of how capable you, your mind and your body truly are;
learning that life-long healthgain isnt about weightloss, but rather doing the hard work to change behaviors and mindsets;
learning that you can lean on a community of similarly-minded people instead of going it alone when the road is uphill;
learning that you still achieve even if you fall short of a goal, so long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other (or just keep swimming);
learning how to enjoy the journey

BUT even those are a head fake to the greater lesson at play here (see Randy Pausch's book to learn the trick he played on all of us):

#GoTheDist is about deciding to go on an epic journey in the first place.

In the end it isnt about the miles logged, minutes spent exercising, sweat expended, or sore muscles. It isn't about whether you are at 100% of your goal or even 80%. It is really about the choice you made on the day you made your pledge to see yourself as someone who strives, as someone worthy of a goal. Each day you are able to put down a number (or even the intentional rest days) is a day you reaffirm this pledge to yourself -- that you are capable of becoming and living as the person you see yourself to be.

It is my greatest hope that on December 31, 2012, we will all be able to thank the person that on January 1 said "I will #GoTheDist" and believed it was possible.

Douchelord Drunkface McManTits

2012-01-05T20:51:00.003-05:00

I was at my local bar on Sunday watching my NY Giants kick the Dallas Cowlosers' collective butts.
Eventually my friend joined me so I could help her celebrate her birthday (that began at midnight).

This was the same friend who took care of me after my epidural appointment, and so I especially wanted to make it a fun time with lots of fun drinks because. This is the same friend that I met in college and is also a coworker. She has been excellent to me during this whole neck ordeal, making sure I don't get too mopey and that hospital would release me. Though it was her birthday, she was every bit as protective of me/my back as she had been coming home from the hospital.

Enter Douchelord Drunkface McManTits -- some 6'2" inebriated Weeble whose pecs were almost as large as Pam Anderson's head and whose hair could solve the energy crisis for the next 10 years. He drunkedly swaggered over to us and started moving his arm to put around my shoulders/neck. My friend launched herself inbetween Douchelord Drunkface McManTits and said "No!! No touching!!" Yep. all 5'2" of her protected all 5'9" of me.

Two of my problems were solved in one fell swoop:
(1) my problem of stupidly not allowing my friends to help me/care for me out of pride/desire for independence; and

(2) my fear of people carelessly causing further injury to me (like the manager of the bar who 20 minutes later surprised both of us by saying goodbye to me and slapping me on the back right over the injection site).

The lesson is that if you are vulnerable and let the right people in your life, they don't abuse the vulnerability, but protect you from those who might. Friends are good people to have in a crisis. Especially 5'2 bulldogs/bodyguards.

Dear friends
You are angels and drunks
You are magi

Old friends
You stuck a pin in a map I was in
And you are the stars I navigate home by

Douchelord Drunkface McManTits soon so in awe of my friend's San Francisco 49rs ring that he went into an awkward 3-point stance, stood up and put his beer on the bar, then continued the 3-point stance into being bent on one knee and kissed her ring. Douchelord Drunkface McManTits was thrown out of the bar an hour later.

We walked out together, each under her own power.

I was thankful to have a friend that stick with me on my best days and my worst.

I believe she was thankful to have greasy breakfast meat in her fridge to counteract the whiskey.

Yield

2012-01-04T17:36:00.000-05:00

intransitive verb

1: to be fruitful or productive : bear, produce
2: to give up and cease resistance or contention : submit, succumb
3: to give way to pressure or influence : submit to urging, persuasion, or entreaty
4: to give way under physical force (as bending, stretching, or breaking)

I've been sitting here looking at the sign, and definition for many minutes now. Part of me just wants to post it as is, as a stand-alone post because it says everything I have been feeling. But in the spirit of sharing/behing honest and not cryptic, here goes:

((several minutes elapse))

So... the neck thing...

((more minutes elapse))

Ever just get the feeling that the universe wants to slow you down and/or see just how much you can bear?

There's no use getting huffy puffy about it because logically I know that the "universe" (the fates, the gods, whatever) really doesn't have any control or influence over my day-to-day life. But emotionally, sometimes it's just easier feeling that there's some dark humor at work here, setting me up and knocking me down.

I know that's the universe isn't limiting me, but my body is.

The word yield feels appropriate for what I am feeling. I feel trapped by my injury and forced to slow down my entire body and life to the healing schedule of my neck. According to the definitions, I feel (1) that I'm not productive regarding my pursuit of over-all health, (2) that I've been forced to sit on the sidelines of my life, that (3) the injury is a dictatorial menace on the rest of my life and (4) that the pain is able to bring me to my knees.

I am yielding to the diagnosis. I am abiding by its needs.
But I refuse to succumb to it.

The great thing about yield signs or yellow lights is that eventually you do get to proceed on your journey.

#GoTheDist 2012

2011-12-31T07:54:00.002-05:00

Make no mistake:

I am throwing down the gauntlet.

#GoTheDist is entering a new phase of badassery where only the brave dare go.

Instead of a month-to-month challenge, I've set up the spreadsheet (if I did everything correctly) to track a whole year.

Yep, that's right. Instead of looking at your fitness goals from month-to-month, I want to you to think long and hard. I want you to come with with a challenge that will push you beyond what you think you can do.

I want you to add 10% to that goal. And then we'll talk.

A few things have changed and I need everyone to pay very close attention to the instructions regarding the spreadsheet. There are formulas left and right. So even if you have done this before, please pay careful attention to what you're doing, lest it affect someone else's tracking.
Also -- if you're better at spreadsheets/Excel/math than I am, please let me know if you think I've done something wrong.

Also new? Due to popular demand, I've started a #GoTheDist Facebook Page -- Feel free to post related blog-entries, PRs, goals, requests for motivation, and the like. Please do not post ads for products, companies, services, or businesses. You will be removed from the group. I will be looking for administrators for this group soon.

How to Join #GoTheDist 2012:

1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).

2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet. You are responsible for filling out your biographical information (columns A–D), your tracking modality and goal (columns E and F), your quarterly goals (columns G, J, M, and P), and your half-year and full-year rewards (columns T and V).

3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (The information you have entered in step 2 should auto-complete to an individual page. Check your line number and then look at the bottom of the page. Match up your line number and double check that your information is correct).

4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]" I will fill in the formulas to complete the Summary Page as needed (please do not tinker if you are unfamiliar with formulas).

5. Fill out the sheet as you wish. See step #8.

6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.

7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!

8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES ON THE SUMMARY PAGE OR TABS! Do not SORT.
Please contact me via email or twitter if you want to be removed or you're unsure of how to use the spreadsheet. If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page. Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.

I'm also quite happy to see how #GoTheDist and #MeFirst can work hand-in-hand. Consider taking the #MeFirst pledge! #GoTheDist is also a friend of MeYouHealth and their Daily Challenges.

So grab your #GoTheDist buttons, use the hash tags for each month, and get out there! We're all behind you!

At the end of the month consider answering these questions:

How do you think you did over the course of the month?
Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities? Why is this? Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this?
Can you apply what you've learned in ##GoTheDist somewhere else in your life?
Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
What was the hardest part of the challenge? (physical? mental/psychological?)
What do you think you did really well this month? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off?
Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it? Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

Knowing is half the battle...

2011-12-22T12:34:00.000-05:00

This nifty photo to the left explains the nerves that are affected when you have a bulge or herniation.

I've explained in an earlier entries that I don't just feel pain at the site of the injury, but also the places where those nerves control. With my lower back, I feel pain down my leg. I also have fun experiences while sneezing and other sundry things. For my neck -- the pain radiates over my left shoulder, down my biceps/triceps, to my index finger and thumb.

I've mentally compiled (and sometimes unleash on Twitter) lists of "It's fun to ____________" statements such as "it's fun to do laundry with a herniated disc in your neck" or "it's fun trying to pick up the sock you dropped." Even the simplest things become difficult tasks that require a bit of creativity and humor. But sometimes it's really hard to find the humor (like when I have to brace myself against a wall when I feel a sneeze coming on, or else I'll totally pee at the same time).

I'm feeling very sorry for myself lately because it's hard to feel young & vibrant when my body is crapping out on me. I go to bed every night wishing someone was lying next to me, lightly tracing his fingers over my spine and saying "It will be okay." I wake up in the morning wishing he was there saying "I'll help you in the shower." I wish he was there saying "don't worry, I'll do the dishes."

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.

2011-12-18T03:58:00.000-05:00

At one point during "Who Framed Roger Rabbit," Jessica Rabbit says "You don't know how hard it is being a woman, looking the way I do." I know I'm not Jessica Rabbit, but sometimes I do hear the snare and bass drum when I walk. Sometimes I even hear a string bass or saxaphone.

My swagger doesn't come from how I look or my measurements. My inner sexiness comes from knowing my strengths, such as my sharp wit and playful coyness as well as my physical strength (I'm a tough cookie) and adventurous attitude.

Yet there is one thing, more than anything else, that makes feeling sexy damn near impossible (as experienced over the past 15 years) -- and that is my litany of back/neck injuries. I can feel sexy with a sprained ankle, sexy through a sinus infection, or even sexy with a zit on my face. I just can't feel the va va voom while I'm dealing with my spine injuries.

I can shake most of the negative feelings associated with my injuries -- such as "it sucks not being able to lift weights" or "I hate not being able to box" -- but I cannot shake the nagging question of "what man can find a broken woman sexy?" I can't be bubbly and cheerful all the time; I can only fake it for so long before I just flat out say "you know what? I feel miserable." I also know that guys my age want to be active -- dancing, hiking, traveling and yes, even sexing. And there are some days when that just isn't on the docket.

Even worse than not being able to keep up with the activities of dating -- how can you feel sexy and sensual when you are afraid of people touching you? For example a coworker went to put his arm around my shoulder at my company's holiday party, and the pressure of his arm on my neck was more than I could tolerate. I winced and pulled away from him (he apologized profusely, but it was unnecessary because he didn't know I was hurt). Also, many times when I tell guys I have a back problem, they go into "Fix it" mode -- wanting to massage my back or crack it for me (neither help, and both make it worse). I always wonder if guys consider me a lemon, or as something fragile that can't be touched.

Doubt is the biggest detriment to self-confidence.

And even if I get past a few dates, I'm reminded of the orthopedist I saw in 2000 who gave me a pamphlet of how to have sex with a bad back. The drawings were of couples in their 60s. I don't want men to see me as past my prime, geriatric, or disabled. I don't want guys to think that I'm completely unable or without desire. While I don't have plans to swing from any chandeliers and hate being limited by my back, I'm still very much a woman in her sexual prime.

But for all the ways my injuries make me feel like less of a woman, there is an upside: it makes me able to appreciate the idea of having a man in my life. For as strong and independent as I am, it would be really nice to say "sweetie, I need help." Most men I know relish hearing those words -- they love knowing that their skills and strength can be put to use for manly purposes. Being injured exposes my vulnerability. I long for the time when the man I am with tries to heal me with kisses down my spine.

When I said in my last entry that I am "mourning for myself" this is what I was vaguely referring to. I don't hear the drums as frequently. My swagger is departing from me. I feel that with each degenerated, bulging, or herniated disc, the chance of people seeing me as I see myself (as a saucy minx) decreases. With each injured disc, the chance of me seeing myself as a saucy minx decreases.

If I can't feel sexy on the inside, how will the world ever know that under all the blubber, there lies a sexpot?

Bad News vs. Worse News

2011-12-14T13:52:00.000-05:00

So... what i thought was a disc bulge

is in fact a "herniation indenting the ventral spinal cord."
Oh, and there's a bulge in the disc below.
So that brings the tally up to 4 bulging discs (L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, and now C6-7) and one herniation (C5-6).

I'm 30 years old.
WHAT THE FUCK?!!??!

This sucks.

I know you all love and support me, but nothing anyone says is going to make me feel better about this. And more to the point, I don't want to feel better about this. I want to feel exactly what I'm feeling: I'm mad. I'm frustrated. But most of all I'm mourning for myself. I feel sad that I am going through this.

While I don't want any comments, I did think this was post-worthy, as it throws a big wrench in my weightloss goals. I need to focus more on diet if I'm going to be (once again) restricted in the gym.

#Fitspo Friday

2011-12-02T09:37:00.000-05:00

Everyone knows how I abhor the word "thinspo"/"thinspiration" -- as it was born out of the pro-ana movement.

BUT... I love FITSPO brought to us by the lovely @TaraBurner!

And it just so happens that yours truly is today's Fitspo Friday Feature!!!

So hop on over there and check out how I answered these questions:

Have you always lived a healthy fit lifestyle?
What keeps you going, motivated?
What is your favorite workout?
What are some of your goals?
What are some of your accomplishments or things you're proud of?
What is one random fact we should know about you?
What words of advice would you like to leave the readers?

December #GoTheDist: 1049 miles

2011-11-30T18:35:00.001-05:00

While trying to think of wintery themes and things to write on, I asked twitter what they thought a good theme would be. @BodyWontBreak said "Motivation: how do you find it? how you keep it? how do you motivate others? or maybe forging your own path?" I let my mind wander on this one.

I started thinking about I'm very lucky to know some super awesome people online and in person and how they have motivated me. They do biathlons, triathlons, 5ks, 10ks, 10m, half marathons, marathons, ultramarathons, and Ironmans. They're really badass. Because I see them do all sorts of awesome things (1) I want to do awesome things and (2) because they succeed, I know I can too.

But the one thing I've come to realize about all of these people, and especially the people who have come into athleticism late in life, is that they know they cannot do it alone. While they might be the only one who can run the race, they depend on the support of their trainers, their support crew, and their friends and family.

I also started thinking about what @BodyWontBreak said about forging your own path. While I think each person's individual journey is specific to that person, I don't think we're reinventing the wheel each time. We see how a balanced diet + exercise + sleep + honesty --> weightloss/healthgain. It's not a huge mystery to the people who have given up all the fad diets and easy fixes. We realize the path we've been trying to avoid (the long, hard road) is the path we need to take.

Enter the Iditarod: the race where your team carries you the whole distance of 1049 miles over a span of 9-15 days. Though you don't have 4 legs and a tail, you are still part of the pack. The pack depends on your specific skill set and expertise (i.e. navigation and being able to distribute food) to get the whole team across the finish line. Though the trail never changes, the conditions are never the same.

The motivation for the dogs goes right to their breed -- huskies and malamutes were bred for their strength, their stamina, their disposition, and mostly their desire to run. They are amazing athletes in their own right (for example, The average Alaskan husky running in the Iditarod burns about 11,000 calories a day. To put that in perspective, compare a 44-pound dog with a 175- to 180-pound human in an endurance event like the (Tour de France) bicycle race. On a body-weight basis, an Iditarod racer eats and burns about eight times as much as a Tour de France cyclist.), but when working with the right set of other dogs, they are a precision team. Lead dogs, swing dogs, team dogs. and wheel dogs need to work together, but are chosen to fit certain roles.

I don't know what the motivation for the human is, because the prize money pales to the cost of maintaining the team. But I'm willing to bet it is the same for many other athletes -- to push the boundaries of what they know or think they can do, and then go further; to say they are among the elite.

I often get a little mopey when I realize that because of my back, I'll never be able to participate in the kinds of races listed above -- but I have my own pack to run with: my #GoTheDist team. It doesn't matter if we're pursuing different modalities, the goal is the same: to cross the finish line each month, doing what we set out to do. When one of us succeeds and meets our goals, we all do. That's my motivation. That's what I carry with me when I'm in the gym busting my butt to beat my PRs, or even to just put in the time. It's all about remembering that nifty little point about self-efficacy -- when we see similarly-situated people (i.e. our peers) succeed, we know we can as well. (And we all know what it's like to fall short of a finish line and have our team love us all the same.)

So the December #GoTheDist theme is: What do you bring to the #GoTheDist team?

How are you specifically qualified on any given day to be an agent of change not only in your life, but in the life of someone who might be looking to you for motivation, support, or mentoring (whether you even realize they need you or not)?

So while I might be the musher, I want to see what my puppies can do!

How to Join:
1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).

2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet (do not use Columns F or G, J or K -- they will automatically calculate once link your sheet). I repeat.... START ON THE SUMMARY PAGE!

3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (Look at the line you filled out on the SUMMARY PAGE -- find the corresponding number on the bottom of the screen. This is your individual page!).

4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]" (If you want to link your page back to summary spreadsheet, go for it. It's a huge help. Column F will look like this (minus the brackets): ='[your tab name]'!D43 Column J will look like this (minus the brackets): ='[your tab name]'!E43)

5. Fill out the sheet as you wish.

6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.

7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!

8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES OR TABS! Do not SORT. If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page. Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.

I'm also quite happy to see how #GoTheDist and #MeFirst can work hand-in-hand. Consider taking the #MeFirst pledge! Also, check out the #MeFirst Blog!

So grab your #GoTheDist buttons, use the hash tags for each month, and get out there! We're all behind you!

At the end of the month consider answering these questions:

How do you think you did over the course of the month?
Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities? Why is this? Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this?
Can you apply what you've learned in ##GoTheDist somewhere else in your life?
Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
What was the hardest part of the challenge? (physical? mental/psychological?)
What do you think you did really well this month? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off?
Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it? Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

Break Up with Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T20:18:00.000-05:00

Check out my GUEST POST over on Diets in Review!!

Learn to enjoy the holiday, and what it stands for, without stuffing your face full of food.

"So...you know you're fat, right?"

2011-11-18T10:43:00.001-05:00

My general practitioner is from Yugoslavia. She also speaks fluent Serbian. This makes me think that she grew up not in Belgrade, but somewhere closer to the border. And by that, I mean to say that being a doctor in America is probably a lifetime away from where she grew up.

So when she said "So...you know you're fat, right?" I think there were a variety of things at play: English being her third or fourt language; obesity being a "first-world" problem; and her being the inspiration for the don't give a shit attitude of the honey badger.

Language and attitude aside... she was right.
At 5'9" and 240lbs, I wasn't just fat, I was obese.

I love that she didn't phrase it as a statement -- i.e., "You are fat." -- but as a question about whether I knew I had a problem or not. Cause believe it or not, people think they're way healthier than they actually are. For all the years of people saying it was "baby fat" or that I would "grow out of it after puberty" there was finally a person with the balls to stop sugar coating it, who was willing to risk offending me in order to help me save my life.

We talked about what I ate, my exercise patterns, and some other things. Her recommendation? A dietitian and a therapist. She could see the tears well up in my eyes after she asked me "How long have you been overweight?" I could barely get out the story about my dysfunctional relationship with food and my family. She knew I needed to address those issues before I would be ready to lose the weight.

My opinion is that "FAT" is only derogatory if you are unaware of who you are at the core (that is, it didn't hurt me to be called fat because I knew that deep down, the body I was in was holding back who I was meant to be).

My opinion is that "FAT" can't hurt you anymore if you have truly turned your back on your former lifestyle and have dealt with all the psychological issues that got you there in the first place.

My opinion is that being called out for being FAT changed my life for the better versus all the times people tried to protect my feelings by saying "oh, you're not fat, here... have some fries."

My opinion is that my FAT is really FUEL. My wiggles and jiggles mean that I can run long runs without having to carbo load before. I have little fat cells lying in wait to help support my muscles.

I also know the reality of how fat people are viewed in this world -- which is why my blog name is FAT GIRL versus WORLD. By sharing my awesomeness with the world (and the fact that I don't eat Twinkies 24/7), I want to show people that just because I have said wiggles and jiggles, that it won't prevent me from kicking ass at life. I will fight for the same rights and respect that naturally thin people get just by showing up.

But do bear in mind that I'm not advocating blind fat acceptance. My core belief that the journey and how we should view ourselves is not through size/weight but rather through health/fitness. Be whatever size or shape you want to be, but have a healthy lifestyle, a healthy attitude, and be able to outrun a ninja.

So when someone gets their panties in a twist over someone else using the word fat, I just wonder if they haven't fully faced their fears about going back to the way they were, or if they will continually be victimized by a three letter word.

I really like @TheAntiJared's take on the word "fat" and I love the conversation going on at @MizFitOnline's blog.

I think at some point everyone needs to make a choice as to whether they're going to let that word define them, or whether they're going to let their actions speak louder than that one word.

Not Using the Tools I've Been Given

2011-11-17T13:20:00.000-05:00

Hominids (the great apes -- chimps, orangutans, gorillas and humans) are pretty fancy. We have an extraordinary ability to combine our brain power and our manual dexterity and solve problems using tools. Because of this, our species, Homo sapiens, has thrived. We are able to manipulate our environment to suit our needs and our wants.

But sometimes we're just so fancy pants that we focus only on our mind. Since we're so smart, we should be able to think our way out of tough situations or will our way through challenges. Smartie pants that we are, we forget that we have tools at our disposal that help further us toward our goals.

And by "we" I really mean me.

Case in point: I know that diet is 3/5 of my own personal weight loss success (1/5 being exercise, and 1/5 being the mental/emotional work). I have my tools -- my EatSmart scales at home and at work; my measuring cups and spoons; and my BodyMedia Fit food log on both my phone and my computer, etc. But have I been using them? No.

Instead of putting my big girl undies on, I've been frustrated and moping about not losing weight (despite knowing that I'm losing inches and gaining awesomeness). I'm falling into the same trap that I try to warn other people about. Why? Because I want so desperately to be an intuitive eater, not having to count calories. But the bottom line is that I haven't been food logging or meal planning long enough to go autopilot. That's a hard truth that I need to admit to myself.

The solution is that I need to start food logging again. I need to use the tools that are at my disposal. It is not a sign of weakness or failure, just proof that there's still more to learn. Now I just have to do it (or convince someone to be my own personal chef/food logger).....

The 2011 Lady Balls Award -- Ovarian Fortitude ... The Results

2011-11-16T21:53:00.001-05:00

First, my apologies -- I meant to have this published on MONDAY Nov. 14, but since I've been feeling healthier, I feel the need to catch up on my #GoTheDist goals and get back into my routine. Blogging fell by the wayside!

So... without further delay I give you the winners of the 2011 Lady Balls Awards:

http://www.twitter.com/#%21/tidbits_of_tara

Tara's blog can be found at http://alifechangingjourney.com/. Take a moment and read her entries and you'll hear those Brass Ovaries ringing! Heck, I can hear them ringing miles away. She is one of the most fearless people I know.

The Iron Ovaries Award is in recognition of a woman who makes a man's testes want to hide because she is the epitome of strength, endurance, grit, and fearlessness.

The winner of the Iron Ovaries Award inspires others by taking on challenges with a courageous heart. Her strength of character carries her through the day. She might not always finish strong, but she always finishes.

http://www.twitter.com/#%21/leavingfatville

Check out http://www.leavingfatville.com/ if you want to see why Anda dominated the Iron Ovaries category! On a more personal note, I've seen her face her challenges with self-awareness and bravery. She never gives in!

Kudos to the winners, and much love to the runners up!! Truly, you are all spectacular women!

Ladies -- if you would like me to crosspost to any acceptance speeches feel free to send me a link.
Truly when we see one woman succeed the whole gender benefits. The whole world benefits.

Right click on the photos, "save as" and then go wild if you want to post on your blog.

Do Pass Go; Do Collect $200

2011-11-11T22:58:00.000-05:00

Life is funny.
Sometimes life is funny because it catches you off guard.

If you've been reading my blog, you know I had a pretty serious back injury in March of 2007. It took a little while to figure out what was wrong and the right plan of action for myself. I had a viscerally negative reaction to the doctor that wanted to cut me up. I went with a more measured treatment plan -- pain meds, muscle relaxers, physical therapy and an oral steroid. When the oral steroid didn't work, we discussed epidural steroids (methylprednisolone).

My doctor didn't do the epidurals himself, but sent me to the hospital he was affiliated with for the treatment. And since it was a hospital, I had a $100 copay each time. **eyeroll**

My body HATED the steroids. I had all sorts of fun, but expected, side effects. I only did two of the three epidurals that they prescribed. (Have I mentioned that I HATE needles???....) They would inject something to numb my back around the injection site, and then I'd have to sit bent forward, unmoving for the next five minutes as they injected the steroids directly into one of the discs that was affected.

I don't know whether they worked or whether the rehab did the lion's share. I just knew that the side effects made it so I didn't want the third shot. I was bruising whenever I'd bump into anything, started experiencing wrist pain, but the worst was the depression and mood swings. Oh, and I couldn't drink.

But I started this post by saying that life is funny.
Over four years after getting the epidural steroids I get a $200 check from the hospital in the mail with "patient overpayment" as the only explanation for it.

I'm sure there's a "writing checks your body can't cash" joke in there somewhere...

Tools of the Trade: Chub Rub and Body Glide

2011-11-10T16:43:00.001-05:00

I love Twitter because you can get into some of the most random and yet informative conversations with friends, aquaintences, strangers and companies. That was the genesis of this post that we are now presenting as a jointly-written conversation. Melissa/@StatofLimits and I were talking (with a few other tweeple) about the dreaded chub rub when Kenlie/@AllTheWeigh chimed in that she had tried to order/use, but had yet to receive, our salve-vation (tee hee gotta love a pun):

Robby: I don't know about you, Melissa, but BodyGlide changed my life. I know it sounds like hyperbole, but anyone familiar with chub rub needs to know about this stuff.

Melissa: I was a skeptic at first. How long could it possibly last? What kind of protection could it really offer? I'd resigned myself to living with the pain of chafing. Then the owner of a local running store saw me eyeing BodyGlide at the checkout counter and suggested I "just give it a try." I have never looked back. One time I forgot to put it on before an 18 mile run and couldn't sit comfortably for days. Three words: butt cheek chafing.

Robby: I wouldn't say I was a skeptic as much as I was just plain desperate. Not quite as desperate as butt cheek chafing (lol) but there were definitely chub rub rashes between my thighs and a few heat blisters under my sports bra. I had tried baby powder, Vaseline, lotion, you name it. But the BodyGlide won me over simply because it created a long-lasting barrier between my skin and whatever was irritating it. Since first using it I've put it pretty much everywhere on my body--thighs, underarms, under my boobs, on my hands (under my boxing wraps), and on my feet. I even used it once to tame my eyebrows.

Melissa: I use it on my heels and in between my toes. I just got this fantastic pair of cowboy boots, but they need to be broken in. In the meantime, they pinch in all the wrong places on my feet. Enter, BodyGlide! I haven't had a bad blister since I started using it. Also, my heels look much less disgusting (they're not cracking as badly after repeated applications).

Robby: Good call on your heels–my feet look so busted after an hour or two at the gym. I’ve used them for high heels and flip flops as well.

Melissa: I remember, a couple years back, going to an amusement park in the middle of the summer (in Texas). All of my girlfriends were getting dolled up in short shorts, skirts, and sundresses and I had a pair of jeans on. I just knew that if I didn't have fabric between my legs I was going to be dealing with extremely uncomfortable chafing by noon. I figured the discomfort of jeans on a 100° day was way preferable to raw thighs that would last for days, if not weeks. Now I just slide some Glide & wear skirts with pride!

Robby: I did the same thing when I was 17. I think it’s a lot better now because there are longer shorts/capri-length pants for the gym and summer. I hated being the fat girl on my softball team that had to wear spandex shorts under regular shorts because they rode up on me. Now I can wear soccer shorts with BodyGlide and no one is the wiser. BodyGlide has also solved my Irish/sensitive skin problem of skin that cracks in the dry, cold, windy weather.

Melissa: Irish love here! Got the red hair and freckles to prove it! Hm, maybe they could put some SPF in it!

Robby, after a 10-mile run WITHOUT BodyGlide, 1 week later

Robby: They’re already ahead of you! They have BodyGlide with SPF 25! I haven’t tried that one though. My minimum SPF is a lead wall. But you bet I brought BodyGlide with me when I went on vacation (strappy sandals, shorts, skirts and sand were no match!). I have sticks of the original formula stashed everywhere. I've learned from my mistakes and bad judgment. I'd rather use it and be safe, than not use it and be sorry. You know, one time missing BodyGlide has a domino effect. Like if I get a blister on my hand from sweaty boxing wraps, I'm less likely to box the next day. If I get a rash from my thighs rubbing my next run will be agony.

Melissa: I'm the proud owner of, probably, half a dozen BodyGlide sticks. Some to keep in different places so it's always around if I need it, and then a "Can Share stick" and a "Do Not Share stick." There's always that moment where you get in the shower, post-exercise, and the second the water hits you, you know exactly where you missed with the BodyGlide. Like you said, if I've got chaffing discomfort, I'm probably going to convince myself I "deserve" to skip my next workout. But what’s most frustrating is being 10 miles into a run and having to stop because of the pain. BodyGlide made so many more forms of exercise accessible. I run in shorts now!

Robby: OUCH! You had to remind me of that painful burning feeling, didn’t you? And maybe you need to put BodyGlide in your run belt. I have lots of friends that swear by using powders or moisture wicking clothing, but those things don't always work on longer runs or when you’re sweating up a storm, do they?

Melissa: You're right. I do my best to combine different methods to prevent the pain and discomfort of chafing, like avoiding cotton as much as possible when I work out. A sports bra can be specifically designed with high intensity exercise in mind, but that won't necessarily stop it from moving against your skin while you run or bike, and that's where chafing becomes a problem. Chub Rub can happen anywhere you get that wet friction (and it doesn’t just happen to those with chub!). Anywhere I have elastic meeting skin, I throw on BodyGlide. Underwear lines, waistbands, bra bands. I've had some success with baby powder in those unfortunate situations where I missed a spot with my BodyGlide, though.

Robby: So it’s really all about finding what works for you, and sometimes mixing and matching different methods. I think the short of the long of it is that for under $10 a stick (for the 1.3 oz), it’s worth trying if you chafe, blister, or chub rub.

Know Your Shape!

2011-11-03T21:55:00.002-04:00

I love MyShape.com for one HUGE reason: they have awesome tutorials on how to measure your body (it's a bit more geared towards women than men, sorry guys!).

I encourage everyone to learn their measurements. Sometimes it will show progress when a scale isn't!

I uploaded their instructions if you don't want to sign up for a MyShape.com account and there is a box beside each measurement to write your numbers. Don't forget to put a date on the cover and then file it away for the day when your scale isn't moving but you swear up and down that you stuck to your plan.

By the way... my shape was an M the last time I checked. I really want to be an S one day (with more definition at the waist) but I like definition! I'm going through my closet with an editorial eye trying to figure out what works best on my body (okay, I've been watching a lot of How to Look Good Naked).

So... Ladies, how would you dress me?

Gents, feel free to send flowers, lingerie, NY Giants jerseys or make a donation to my favorite charity.

To see my half naked photo evolution, click here. I'm still the same shape, but weigh less and have more sass.

Self-Efficacy

2011-11-03T01:11:00.000-04:00

There are lots of definitions out there of what self-efficacy is (from Albert Bandura, the guy who coined the term, example 2, and a wiki link), but I think it's an important concept (at least enough to rouse me from sleep) for anyone wanting to lose weight/gain health/improve their life to understand.
Per Albert Bandura, "self-efficacy is the belief in one's capabilities to organize and execute the courses of action required to manage prospective situations." (quote here)

So how does it relate to weight loss/health gain/life improvement? Think about all the times you've tried to lose weight/gain health/improve your life -- and then rate yourself honestly about how sincerely you believed you were going to succeed. (For instance, have you ever uttered something like "I can do something like this for a week, but I can't imagine doing it any longer!" or "I can't imagine ever loving exercise.") How about this--think about all the times you gave up before you started. How would you rate your self-efficacy? Pretty crappy, right?

This one theory is even making me reconsider revising the definition of the The Epiphany to include a phrase something like this: Until YOU believe YOU are capable of effecting long-term and permanent changes in YOUR thoughts, YOUR actions, and YOUR life, YOU will forever be stuck in a body, mind and a life that holds YOU back.

Why was I thinking about this so late at night? I had a passing thought about why I went to therapy a few years ago -- I lacked self-efficacy. I felt absolutely powerless to (1) be able to move out of my 3-br apartment that was cheap, but making me unhappy (unstable environment, long commute) and (2) to be able to stop skin picking. I was just so paralyzed by fear that I couldn't see any scenario where I might succeed. It took months of my therapist saying "even if you make the wrong decision, what's the worst that could happen?" (in the case of moving) and "even if you go on a SSRI for a while, what's the worst that could happen?" (in the case of the skin picking).

The great thing about self-efficacy is that it can be learned and nurtured. You can start with a little bit of it and build it little by little. Think about the feeling when you realized the work you put in at the gym, or your consistency in food logging resulted in a change in your body, your energy levels, and how you felt about yourself. Remember the time you tried to go a little longer on the treadmill or do one more set on the weights. Taste the same delight you felt when finding a low-calorie version of a favorite recipe. A wee bit intoxicating, eh?

Self-efficacy is also a great topic for the blogging community. When you see other people succeed, you are more likely to believe that you can succeed as well. To quote our new friend Albert Bandura, "Seeing people similar to oneself succeed by sustained effort raises observers' beliefs that they too possess the capabilities to master comparable activities required to succeed." We need each other to re-affirm our belief (for instance, when we're putting in the work and not seeing results) that we will see results if we stay the course.

And then I think Albert Bandura took a page out of my #GoTheDist book: "By making self-satisfaction conditional on matching adopted goals, people give direction to their behavior and create incentives to persist in their efforts until they fulfill their goals. They seek self-satisfaction from fulfilling valued goals and are prompted to intensify their efforts by discontent with substandard performances" In other words -- it is important to set goals (and I'd even say the non-food rewards/incentives) that focus your actions toward your intentions.

Think about the time you succeeded in losing weight/gaining health/improving your life and I am willing to bet you succeeded because you had already decided that no matter what challenges arose, that you would find a way to persevere.

That, my dear readers, is self-efficacy.

November #GoTheDist

2011-11-02T18:13:00.000-04:00

Again, so sorry for the delay in getting this up. Sometimes life takes precedence over spreadsheets, yanno?

Right click and "copy link location" or "save
image as" to use in your blog/journal.

One of the things I love about Thanksgiving were the traditions in my family.

On my dad's side of the family, my recollection is that every Easter we played Whiffle Ball, but every Thanksgiving we played basketball and then Trivial Pursuit or Charades. And while the dinner was amazing, the focus was mainly on dessert and the variation of pies that people brought. I think once we had 26 people and 21 different pies. My dad was known for his apple and mincemeat pies, grandma had dibs on the cherry pie making, and then there were the additions of Irish Whiskey (Cream) Pie and Gobble Pie as kids got older and family members were added.

On my mom's side of the family, a normal routine took on extra special meaning because of the day and the number of family members around the table. We'd all say what we were thankful for. Some people were profound (being thankful for health and love) and some people were a bit more mundane (my brother was usually thankful for forks).

My (second) cousin on that side issued a challenge to her Facebook friends to do a gratitude project during this month, and I'm going to follow suit. My time in the gym is always a time of work but also of introspection. I'm deeply grateful for each day my body gives me to move and change my life.

How to Join:

1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).

2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet (do not use Columns F or G, J or K -- they will automatically calculate once link your sheet).

3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (This is a NEW step. Duplicate the "Participant Sheet." If you're comfortable working in spreadsheets you can edit it where it should repeat your personal information. The formula line will look something like "=Summary!A2" -- replace the 2 with whatever line you are on the summary spreadsheet. For =Summary!B2 do the same, etc.).

4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]" (If you want to link your page back to summary spreadsheet, go for it. It's a huge help. Column F will look like this (minus the brackets): ='[your tab name]'!D43 Column J will look like this (minus the brackets): ='[your tab name]'!E43)

5. Fill out the sheet as you wish.

6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.

7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!

8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES OR TABS! Do not SORT. If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page. Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.

I'm also quite happy to see how #GoTheDist and #MeFirst can work hand-in-hand. Consider taking the #MeFirst pledge!

So grab your #GoTheDist buttons, use the hash tags for each month, and get out there! We're all behind you!

At the end of the month consider answering these questions:

How do you think you did over the course of the month?
Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities? Why is this? Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this?
Can you apply what you've learned in #GoTheDist somewhere else in your life?
Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
What was the hardest part of the challenge? (physical? mental/psychological?)
What do you think you did really well this month? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off?
Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it? Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

The 2011 Lady Balls Award

2011-11-02T16:17:00.000-04:00

I wish this had taken off a little bit more. Why? Well, while it might be a bunch of silliness, it's still us recognizing the strengths we see in each other. While men were allowed to nominate women, I had hoped to see women supporting and nominating each other -- and I don't want to show any favoritism by nominating people myself (though I think there are many people not included on this list who have ovaries that clink when they walk).

That being said, I still want to thank everyone for participating and having a little fun with me.
I encourage you to vote for the nominees, but if you feel like you need to write in a name, go for it!

The Brass Ovaries Award is in recognition of a woman who has a certain amount of chutzpah, swagger, or bravery. When she walks, you hear her ovaries ring out with a certain "I am woman, hear me roar."

The winner of the Brass Ovaries Award says what is on her mind, stands behind what she says, and is unafraid of defending her positions.

There were two nominations in this category:

Emily/@emtucky nominated Cyndi/@RunRollRepeatC saying that "She always says what's on her mind, speaks the truth and is her true authentic self and doesn't let ANYONE deter her from doing so."

@DubyaWife nominated Tara/@Tidbits_of_Tara saying "Tara displays a unwavering strength that I can admire. She is strong but also strong enough to know that no woman is immune to emotional upheaval. Her tenacity to carry on in life while discovering her inner-self is truly inspirational."

The Iron Ovaries Award is in recognition of a woman who makes a man's testes want to hide because she is the epitome of strength, endurance, grit, and fearlessness.

The winner of the Iron Ovaries Award inspires others by taking on challenges with a courageous heart. Her strength of character carries her through the day. She might not always finish strong, but she always finishes.

There was only one nomination in this category -- Emily/@FitandFreeEmily showed some love for Anda/@LeavingFatville saying "She's one of the strongest women I know. Always tells it straight, no chaser ;) She isn't afraid of saying what she wants and GOING for it."

The Steel Ovaries Award is in recognition of the most exceptional woman among women. She enriches all womanhood just by showing up. She exhibits aspects of both Brass and Iron Ovaries.

The winner of the Steel Ovaries Award is a leader among women. She is proud to be a woman, and proud to be stronger than most men she knows. She has seen adversity and risen above. She endures.

This category has three nominees:

Summer/@MILF_Squared nominated Valerie/@ValerieGail saying "Valerie is my mother. For my mom's birthday, I wrote up a post on my blog. My mom is a truly exceptional woman. She is strong, fearless, smart and absolutely amazing. "

The lovely Leslie/@BodyWontBreak showed some self-love: "I am open and honest on my blog with both my struggles and my successes. My blog follows my weight loss journey as well as the everyday adventures of my life. I feel like, with everything I have gone through and am going through, that I combine both brass and iron. I'm happy to share everything I am going through because I know it has the possibility of impacting someone else in a positive way and that is important to me."

And Sheanna/@sheannacaban tossed Rachael/@tweenyhair's name in the hat: "She's a single mom that's running her own daycare business. One of the best moms I know in the world (including me). She's also one of the BEST friends I've ever known. She volunteers in her church and donates her hair to locks of love. She sends packages to soldiers in Afghanistan that she doesn't even know. She's just always going out of her way for others.... Even when she recently had a breast cancer scare. Luckily, she's fine.... Probably because of her steel ovaries."

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I'm not dead! I feel fine! I think I'll go for a walk! I feel HAPPY!!

2011-11-02T15:27:00.000-04:00

So I'm not dead, but I have fallen behind on blogging.

I had a fever of 102 last night that broke sometime around 3 am. I'm sore, I'm exhausted, I'm horking up mucus. But that's just me. My little cousin is in and out of the hospital trying to figure out why he's having GI issues, my father is getting knee surgery soon. And then I found out an acquaintance from HS died last night. So all-in-all.... things are pretty crappy.

A few people from my HS class have died -- one in 2006 in a car accident, another earlier this year in a car accident as well -- and now Corina in her sleep.

Nothing really makes you confront your mortality more than someone you've known for most of your life, and is the same age of you, just dying in her sleep. She's leaving behind a husband and two young kids.

So while I'm under the weather and behind on blogging, I'm just not going to complain.

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.” ~ The Buddha

Who Do You Want To Be Today?

2011-10-20T20:50:00.000-04:00

So I've been thinking about the challenge I posted for October #GoTheDist:

Who do you want to be today?

Every day we have a chance to make new choices and decide who we want to be. We can stay on the path we're on, turn around and run away screaming, or try a new approach.

And yet somehow we always feel locked into our identity, completely forgetting how forgiving our sense of self/identity can be or that we lived through the formation of our identities in the first place (are you the same person you were in your HS yearbook?). Just think about the person who can't see past their weight. Think about how stuck they are in that identity.

We forget that our identities are as flexible ("characterized by a ready capability to adapt to new, different, or changing requirements") as they are malleable ("able to be hammered or pressed permanently out of shape without breaking or cracking") as they are resilient ("able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions").

The catch is that it requires some extraordinary vision and a leap of faith: in order to take on a new identity, we have to know how we want to look and have the courage to slough off our old identity (our armor) long enough to try on a new one.

I tweeted the other day:

I want to be that person. I really do. I envision that person doesn't feel the same kind of struggle that I feel.

So I'm going to try and take my own advice and (1) envision what it would be like to live that life and (2) have the confidence that if I act like that person that I'll still be okay, still be me.

My wanting to be a pretty pretty princess will just have to wait until I slay this dragon.

October #GoTheDist: One Year Update and Check-In

2011-10-13T10:07:00.001-04:00

Read this if you have no idea what the heck I'm talking about: October #GTD Announcement.
This month we might be small in numbers (only 25 participants, as compared to the 69 that did it last October), but we are mighty in results!

I wanted to remind you about two mid-month posts last year in regards to the original challenge:

1. Balance (quoting):

First and foremost: you should NEVER feel guilty for listening to your body--even if it says "we need to sit this out for a week." If you are sick/injured, figure out how to get yourself better and then we'll worry about the miles, okay? #OctGTD, no matter how awesome it is, is not worth risking your health and well-being.

But has it ever crossed your mind that it's okay to come up short in the challenge? It's okay to not reach your mileage goal. It's okay to get to the end of the month and come up shy. This is the lesson we all have to learn: it is okay to set goals and make plans and not be able to complete them 100%.

2. Know Yourself (paraphrasing):

Know Your Body -- work with your body, not against it
Know Your Math -- know what the exercise "costs" your body
Know Your Fuel -- know how to payback that "cost"
Know Your Life -- make a plan before you take on a challenge and be flexible with it.

I also wanted to share with you the updates regarding the original October #GoTheDist crew. The question was: "How are you and looking back, what did #OctGTD (now #GotheDist) do for you? Are you the same person you were a year ago?"

Dee Matt (@abtw85):

"I totally got off track for a few months along the way since then, but I do notice that I have been alot more self motivated to push myself further then I did prior to octgtd. I can't believe its been a year. I'm also at least 30+ lbs lighter :). I've learned to also limit myself on making excuses."

Vinny (@VinnySlavin):

"I am a lighter person than I was a year ago, that's for sure! Hopefully smarter and more informed as well."

Brigitte (@brigittemittler):

"Last October, I used the GTD to run a 10k. I am doing that same 10k tomorrow as preparation for running my very first Half-Marathon later this month. I have learned that pushing past your comfort zone can lead you to accomplish incredible things."

Robby (@fatgirlvsworld):

"I'm definitely not the same person. Many challenges and hundreds of miles later, I'm no longer the same person. I'm much stronger, and much more confident in my ability to achieve my goals. Even if I don't reach the targets, I know that each month is a journey. I have discovered my grit, found my fight, and am convinced that i made the change of a lifetime."

If you participated in the original challenge and want to add your thougts click on this link, find your name, and ruminate!

I Hung My Head

2011-10-11T12:56:00.004-04:00

Okay, so I didn't kill a stranger, but just like the song, I knew I done something wrong. On Sunday afternoon, I started to get a migraine that stayed with me for the next two days. I didn't eat much (this didn't help) and tried to stay hydrated (with herbal iced tea). Last night (Monday), I was finally hungry at 9:30 pm. What was I hungry for?

1506 calories total. Each and every calorie a bad decision.

Was it emotional eating? No. It was apathetic eating. It was there. It was easy. It was something I didn't have to cook. And it was the first time in 24-hours that I had felt hungry for something specific (the fries). I rationalized it as "well I haven't eaten anything (other than a few 20-calorie Wasa crackers) all day."

But, I realized that the same reasons for my eating this pile of crap was the same reason why people intentionally eat this stuff more than I do (this is the first time I've had fast food in 2011): it's cheap, it's there, it's easy, it's fast.

It's also really wrong. I know better.
I could have just as easily gone across the street (to Safeway) and got myself a premade sandwich.

And so while the title is "I hung my head" -- I'm really not. I'm going to move forward, acknowledge my misstep, and get back on track.

....but man, those fries were tasty.

The 2011 Lady Balls Award

2011-10-08T01:17:00.004-04:00

In my mom's last letter to me, she wrote:

Keep in mind: Women are NOT the "weaker sex"....as in unable to cope with life. If you take apart the word FEMALE into two parts, you get "FE-" (the abbreviation for IRON) and "MALE". Hmmm...Interesting concept: It seems to me, that composition would make us pretty darn strong...not necessarily physically stronger than a male...but, able to deal with most of the things that come our way in life. Perhaps, it is a very special inner strength we possess.

That, combined with my love of saying "oh my balls" or "oh my lady balls," and the fact that the female reproductive organs almost looks like someone flexing, brings us to the Lady Balls Awards! More specifically, three levels of Lady Balls Awards:

Please submit all nominations by October 31st.

Voting on semi-finalists will begin on November 1, 2011.

The THREE winners will be announced November 14, 2011!

A Favor: Search for Vegan Recipes

2011-10-05T08:41:00.000-04:00

One of my dear coworkers has a son about my age with Stage 4 Small Lymphocytic Lymphoma (currently a non-cureable non- Hodgkins lymphoma).

Big scary name, right?

He's been advised to take up a non-meat/non-dairy vegan diet. I've been scouring the internet for vegan recipes for cancer patients, but the long of the short of it is that I'm not a vegan and I have no idea if these recipes are any good. But some of YOU might have a great recipe that might make my friend's son feel just a little better.

Send me an email with a recipe, or leave it in the comments and I'll forward them along to my coworker/his mom.

Thank you all in advance.

While I'm at it, I'll ask anyone for photos of landscapes. Why? My grandfather is a painter with decreased lung function and COPD. He's tied to his oxygen machines. This means he can't really travel.
Send me an email with on of YOUR photos (i.e. not copyrighted material) and where it's from, and I'll forward them to my grandpa. Let's send my grandpa around the world in photos!

A bit of a scare / PSA

2011-10-01T12:25:00.003-04:00

So last night I crashed the Anytime Fitness Conference -- not to cause any trouble, but to hang out with Stephen/@WhoAteMyBlog and Tony/@TheAntiJared (very nice meeting you both!) in what Stephen called "a FatGirl sandwich":

I hung around to watch Stepehen get an Anytime Fitness "running man" tattoo. While we were standing in line (on a bit of a stage with lights and 3 tattoo artists) waiting, I took a moment to chat with Tony about various blog topics, when all of a sudden.... Stephen fainted.

I had my back to Stephen at the time (I had taken a knee on the floor in front of him to be able to talk to Tony standing on the conference room floor 3-4 feet below). According to some people who witness this happen, Stephen slid along a railing, slid off my back (I fell forward and into a table, but that slowed the fall), and then on to the floor face first. I'm thankful to have been there for two reasons -- one, he could have fallen 4 feet below if I hadn't been there, and two because of these:

Not pictured is First Aid/First Responder, as it has lapsed.

Time and time again I will tell people to get these certifications.

Luckily Stephen didn't require these skills, but the training helps you stay clear minded and in control in a sometimes-chaotic situation. Unfortunately, people don't always listen to the young person there and did a few things that I wouldn't have recommended except that Stephen regained consciousness fairly quickly. But luckily all turned out okay, and Stephen is fine.

The bottom line is to go to your Red Cross -- get AED/CPR and First Aid certified. It's such a small fraction of your time to be able to help someone else if they need it.

(It has come in handy time and time again -- I have first responded a car accident where a friend's father hit a tree and was going into shock, been able to make a sling out of a t-shirt for someone that dislocated their arm (twice), helped a coworker through labor pains, helped a coworker having a cardiac situation, helped a boxing classmate splint a finger that had ruptured a tendon, etc. In other words, having the training gave me the confidence to step in and say "I can help" when other people just stood by not knowing what to do.)

PS: Please read this as well, as a reminder that (1) you can drink too much water and (2) giving water/a drink to someone that doesn't feel well isn't advisable.

Put your best foot forward...

2011-10-01T11:37:00.001-04:00

Anyone who has read my blog for a while knows that I don't do many product reviews or giveaways. If you see me talking about a product, it's because it's something I'm already familiar with and love anyways (see my About Me page for a list of some of the things I use/love). To be fair, there are companies that have given me discounts/samples AFTER I have mentioned their product in my blog (but it was of their own volition).

I rarely devote a whole post to one product, but I will mention it in passing. Why? I don't like being beholden to a company--I like the freedom to write what I want.

Which brings me to this:

I LOVE NEW BALANCE CUSTOMER SERVICE!!

Last Friday I vented/tweeted:

I had the Minimus shoes since a little before #Fitbloggin, and they had only been used in inside while boxing or running on the elliptical. My version were the trail running shoes. I was just real sad b/c I had grown to love them at boxing, but the treads would fold under themselves and sometimes trip me up (I don't think they were a part in me breaking/spraining a toe).

Very soon after, I saw this (from Katie, the New Balance Twitter Rep):

I called right away and spoke with Amin, who was AWESOME. We chatted about the usage and history of the shoes. I thought they were asking about the usage and then were going to pass the info along to their labs then say "well, they're out of warranty..." BUT Amin surprised the heck out of me and told me they'd replace the shoes. That bowled me over! On top of that Amin was even willing to send me a different version of the Minimus shoe that might be better in a gym environment (I declined, since I really love the ones i have). And the icing on the cake was that Amin understood how much I loved the shoes and how I hated to be without them, so he was going to send them to me without waiting to get my return first.

Lo! and Behold! I received this box yesterday in the mail. I only missed two workouts in my Minimus shoes (one sparring class and one 7-mile elliptical run). Believe me, they were sorely missed. While I like my other sneakers, my whole body loves the Minimus shoe.

So I'm really starting to love New Balance as not only a great supporter of their customers in general, not only as an involved participant in the social media community, not only as being extremely generous at #Fitbloggin (sneakers, capris, and headphones! oh my!!) but a brand that treated me not just as a number, but as a valued customer that they want to keep.

So, shout outs to Katie and Amin -- I dedicate today's run to you both. I'm hoping for 10 miles on the elliptical in my new shoes.

In semi-related news, I haven't gushed about my other new favorite product.

A little back story: I'm pale (Irish) with dark hair (Irish/German). I have really sensitive skin (Irish). I sometimes shower twice a day. It dries me out no matter how much lotion I use (Aveeno or Nivea). And the worst part is that my leg hair grows quite fast. In the past. not shaving my legs has actually prevented me from going to the gym. Eventually, I realized that if people were judging me b/c of some leg hair, it means they weren't focusing on their workout.

Now I'm trying to grow the leg hair out so I can start waxing it. But there's that awkward in-between Yeti stage.

Enter the New Balance Base Layer Legging:

I have three pairs (two red, one blue) and think they are PERFECT. I initially bought them (through Zappos) as a base later for my xmas eve football game in NYC, but they're opaque enough to wear with a tunic-length shirt to the gym (ladies, I still don't think leggings are pants... but if you cover your butt/lady bits, we can talk). I wear them under shorts and even once wear them under a dress with boots. They're comfortable, soft, don't require ridiculous special care, and they keep their shape very well. I highly recommend them to everyone.

How do you measure a year?

2011-09-30T14:03:00.002-04:00

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of ~~coffee~~ tea

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure a year in the life?

My 12-Month #GoTheDist Summary

Or in my case, 553.89 miles.

October — 120.16 (exceeded goal)
November — 35.8
December — 49.5
January — 20.13
February — 102.1 (exceeded goal)
March — 103.7 (exceeded goal)
April — 0 (rut roh)
May — 27
June — 10
July — 10
August — 21.5
September — 54

As you can see, there were good months and bad months (things got hard as I tried to balance boxing and running). BUT... That is the most miles I've ever run in a year. Heck, it's probably more miles than I've run in the previous 29 years of my life combined.

In other words. VICTORY!! I can't wait to see what I can do in the next 12 months (or rather, the next three and then... the NEW YEAR).

#GoTheDist's One-Year Anniversary!

2011-09-29T13:42:00.007-04:00

Yep, that's right -- it's the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of the ORIGINAL #OctGTD Challenge (it's now #GoTheDist). How time ~~flies~~ runs/walks/bikes/swims, right? See GTD for more history behind #GoTheDist!

I'm super proud of anyone who has signed up—regardless of the miles they have put in or the number of months they participated—and extra proud of the people who saw the month through. What we learned is that the challenge wasn't about the distance, but rather the journey. I never knew just how much the simple concept of "let's not measure ourselves in pounds" would take off and change lives. Kudos us. We're awesome.

I was thinking about doing a throwback regarding October (going themeless) but it's become one of my favorite parts of the challenge. It gives me something to think about when I'm running, or even when I wake up. So... without further delay, I present...

The first thing I think of when I change my calendar to October is HALLOWEEN! Remember when you were a kid, you'd start planning your halloween costume as you were going through the current year's candy haul? Well, that's what I did. All through the year I'd think of different things I'd want to be for halloween, from the predictable to the extraordinary.

But they all represented things I thought I was unable to manifest in myself, except through putting on a costume: the dignity, beauty, and grace of a princess; the strength and virtue of a superhero; the intelligence and badass dance moves of a robot, etc.

So this month I want to think about what you fantasize(d) about being for Halloween, either as a kid or even now and what those things represented to you. Who could you be in those costumes that you couldn't be in your own skin? And if possible, try to be those things (you determine the extent) without having to hide behind a mask. You can be a princess, a hero, a robot, a cowboy, or an astronaut without having to ever change your clothes—just change your attitude.

How do you think you did over the course of the month?
Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities? Why is this? Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this?
Can you apply what you've learned in #GoTheDist somewhere else in your life?
Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
What was the hardest part of the challenge? (physical? mental/psychological?)
What do you think you did really well this month? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off?
Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it? Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

Quick & Easy / Mountain Building / Follow-up

2011-09-28T21:34:00.000-04:00

Quick and Easy

I've been digging the Lean Cuisine Market Creations Sweet and Spicy Ginger Chicken (I wasn't as much of a fan of the shrimp scampi or the garlic chicken). It's probably not the best or most efficient thing for people who have families (as it's a single-serving package) or who have time to cook for themselves (it takes 5-6 minutes in the microwave), but for a single girl that just ran 5 miles and then took a boxing class, it's a perfect base for my dinner (I usually add in a bit more veggies (tonight it's .75 cup peas) and there's more than enough sauce to go around).

I'd give it a B+ because I'd gladly give up some of the noodles to get more chicken, and give up some carrots to get more broccoli.

Mountain Building

I've been really sore and restless lately. My diet is on point. I've been good about hydrating. I've been good about maintaining an electronic sundown and not tweeting from bed. But I still wake up exhausted no matter how long I sleep. I'm left with this one conclusion: I am a badass.

Let me rephrase: it requires significant time and energy for your body to remodel itself. Building muscle and burning fat requires resources and energy. I liken muscle building to mountain building because of the great transformative energy required to create mountains. We often look at a mountain and think it's always been sitting there minding its business, completely forgetting the earth shattering changes (literally) it had to go through to be a mountain.

So I'm going to try and not be frustrated at my body being sore and being tired all the time. It's busy doing great things even in my sleep.

Follow Up

I came clean with Randolph tonight about the whole pull-up incident and all he said was "I know."

I think this is the difference between a good trainer and a great trainer. A great trainer will know when to push you into the epiphany and when to step back and let you come into it on your own.

17

2011-09-27T22:00:00.001-04:00

The truth is, no amount of this:

will bring back:

But tonight that's not going to stop me from trying.

I lied to my trainer.

2011-09-26T22:37:00.004-04:00

Okay, maybe the title is overstating things, but here's how it went down (in paraphrase):

Trainer, Randolph: Okay, everyone: pull-ups!
Robby: *hides*

Two people do their pullups

Randolph: (to Robby) Your turn.
Robby: *shakes head*
Randolph: Why are you afraid of?
Robby: *points to back* I don't think I can.
Randolph: I did mine (he hurt his back last week)
Robby: I'm afraid it'll strain my back.

Another person does their pull-ups.

Robby: Okay. I'm in.
Randolph: Just bend your legs (he was going to do an assisted pull-up)
Robby: *tries to strong arm her way through it and fails, gives up after one try*
Randolph: You got to bend your knees.
Robby: I can't. I'm just not strong enough.

Another person does their pull-ups.

Randolph: You've got this. Just bend your knees and I'll help you.
Robby: *mumblegrumblegruntbreathes* *knocks out 10 assisted pull-ups*
Randolph: *that knowing look that Randolph does when he once again proves he knows more than you do*

I thought about my favorite lyrics 5 minutes later -- "There's a moment when fear and dreams must collide." You must choose which means more to you -- holding on to fears that weigh you down, or hanging on to dreams that propel you to greatness. That's the fight we're all fighting in one way or another, no?

In that moment, what did these lyrics reveal to me?

The lie: I wasn't afraid of my back getting hurt. My back was fine. And if it hurt my back, at least I would go down swinging.

The fear: Traced all the way back to elementary school and the Presidential Physical Fitness Test's pullups/flex-arm hang; If there was one thing I was worse at than running the mile, it was trying to do pull-ups of the flex arm hang. ((Raise your hand if you were also that kid would would rather get pelted in dodgeball than do anything that required upper body strength.))

The fear: If I can't support my own body weight, how can anyone else support me? I might've lost the weight, but there are still times my brain acts like I'm 240lbs.

The truth: When I don't think I can, it's okay to trust someone telling me that I can, to let them believe in me more than I believe in myself.

The truth: It's okay to trust that someone will catch me if I fall, especially when they've earned your respect in so many other ways.

The truth: People can provide the extra support I need to achieve a goal. It's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of trust.

The truth: Try first before my brain decides what my body can or cannot do.

The truth: Not a single person there wanted to see me fail.

The truth: "Someone I am is waiting for courage. The one I want, the one I will become will catch me."

Trailblazing

2011-09-20T22:52:00.000-04:00

Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love this quote (and have quoted it before -- see: March #GoTheDist) for its possible interpretations:

(1) Don't follow the path because it's easy, has signs, or lampposts

(2) Don't be pressured to follow in other people's footsteps

(3) Be generous and allow people to borrow your path while they're looking for theirs

It's this third interpretation I want to write about.

In March, I signed up at LA Boxing for personal training sessions with Pat to see was advisable given my back injury. After a month, he gave his blessing and I started going to the group classes in April. I did a few bag classes before something caught my eye on the schedule: boxing technique on Monday night and sparring on Wednesday night. The technique class sounded like a good idea for a new person and sparring had been one of my favorite parts of taekwondo (you didn't know I did that in college, did you?). I was dubious, though. I didn't know if I could keep up with the people in the class, or that they could be mindful/gentle regarding my back.

Enter RP (not her real name/initials). Before I even saw her land a punch I knew she was the real deal: committed to fight sport, dangerous in the ring, and not to be trifled with (I wouldn't want to mix with her in a dark, dimly, or even well-lit alley). I could see the focus in her eyes and the intention in her movement. Unlike many of the girls in the bag classes (whose punches looked like epileptics swatting at flies, my apologies to both epileptics and flies), she wasn't there just look cute and burn calories. I didn't know whether I should try to prove my toughness with her or to beg for mercy.

Luckily, I didn't have to do either. She was experienced enough to see that my feet had the grace of drunken Bambi and my arms the manual dexterity of a tyrannosaurus in a straight jacket. RP could see my face wash with confusion when Randolph issued instructions that my brain couldn't quite process. She broke the movement down and translated things it a way that made sense to me (not just the "how" but the "why" of the movement). In other words, she played by the rules (i.e., leave no one behind). To this day she helps me improve as a boxer by pointing out what I'm doing wrong, and even sometimes what I'm *gasps* doing right.

But RP did something even more important for me: over time she told me about her injuries, her rehabilitation, and how she literally fought through some of the pain/injuries. I'm not talking about a twisted ankle or a broken nail. She is familiar with the kind of pain I routinely feel and then some. She also told me how she let none of it stop her. Her grit (or "the ability to keep trying while there is still opportunity to succeed") and determination did something no one else could do for me -- she told me there was a path back from being injured and was generous enough of spirit to show me that path.

RP has an important fight coming up soon. I can't wait to be in her corner cheering her on, not just out of camaraderie (the true feeling that when we help each other that everyone benefits), but as she is living proof of what I hope to be true for me and what I hope to be true for all of us waging battles for our own health and wellness:

(1) that winning or losing doesn't happen in the ring at the sound of a bell (or at the gym, or in a race)-- that the difference between winning or losing is the choice you make long before you enter the ring when you know you can utterly demolish whatever adversity or adversary comes at you;

(2) that doctors aren't gods -- they're just people with some education, prescription pads, and fancy machines -- they cannot tell you who you are, how strong you are, what you are capable of, and that only you can measure/define your grit (there is no medical test for resilience or your ability to fight for yourself); and

(3) that it does get better, that you do heal, you do learn, and after the first punch to the face, you do learn to keep your hands up.

There are times when people have thanked me for inspiring them (usually because of my candor, skill with words, self-depreciating humor, or facility with a spreadsheet) and I find that truly humbling. However, my intent here is not to humble RP or have some gushy girlcrush lovefest (as often I see on Twitter and around the FitBlogs). I'm just trying to state the plain fact that I'm impressed that there's a woman in my every day life that is more badass than I am, and I have much to learn from her.

The only way I can adequately thank RP is to stay on the path that she has shown me by never ceasing to fight even when I'm feeling frustrated, defeated, outmatched, or just plain tired; by continually making the choice to believe I am strong enough to face (either offensively, defensively, or both) whatever life has to throw at me; and by supporting all the people who mirror and support the ideals listed above.

[And yes, I'm totally going to bed saying to myself "one day I'm gonna be badass just like RP..."]

Vision

2011-09-14T09:55:00.003-04:00

flickr/squeezymoose

If you've ever been to the eye doctor, you're familiar with the contraption on the left. Even if you've had the same prescription for the past 10 years, you still have to go through the motions of verifying the prescription.

The doctor sits you down, and you look through it to a far wall with some letters on it. The doctor then selects different lenses and asks you to compare whether the first one was better/clearer or the second one.

Through this process, you and the eye doctor narrow down the choices as to which lenses suit you best for how your vision is at the current moment.

Which brings us to this....

Sometimes I need to take on a different lens. Sometimes when I sense critical feelings welling up inside of me (such as when I'm looking at my stomach/abdomen), I try to change the lens. Sometimes it's through the eyes of a photographer or artist, sometimes it's the eyes of a lover (real or imagined). The point is that we are not only our own worst critic, but we also look at ourselves/scrutinize ourselves much more closely than anyone else. By imagining someone else looking at us, we take a step back. It's an issue of perspective more than anything else.

But Stephen made a really good comment:

that got me thinking about a quote from Michaelangelo (who unfortunately doesn't have a verified twitter account):

“In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.”

Well... isn't that we're all doing in regards to weightloss/healthgain? In our heart of hearts, we see the person that is trapped behind the fat (in another tweet over the weekend I said "Too bad I can't make my fat do the workouts and let the rest of my body relax. Excess body fat is a hostage taker."). Just like a statue is imprisoned by the marble around it, our healthy selves are imprisoned by the fat around it.

Stephen is right -- we are each sculptors and artists and it's our duty to liberate the art that is our true self, if not to add beauty and joy to the world, but to liberate the person stuck inside.

Going about it the wrong way....

2011-09-14T09:30:00.078-04:00

This really pisses me off:

"I know that I needed help to lose weight and I wrote to Dr. Phil, Oprah, Dr. Oz, and nobody would hear me or respond, so I decided to get in contact with Guiness Book of World Records. And I thought I am already this size, so I might as well take advantage of it to get my story out there.... so I could get some weight loss help."

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

I need to take a deep breath here because there are so many things going through my head:

1. This isn't the first person who has felt the need to gain more weight to get help. I've heard many stories of people trying to GAIN weight so they qualify for a weight loss surgery. This is so effing backwards. In my opinion, health insurance companies should not pay for weight loss surgery unless it is the only chance of saving someone's life (i.e., they are in dire straits and will die if the surgery is not done immediately). If a person is able to exercise and go on a diet, they should. I'm not talking about the gimmicky diets or the "I walk to my couch" exercise routine, but serious concerted effort. Sadly, most health insurances don't cover dietitians or gym memberships/trainers. People don't turn to Overeaters Anonymous, or ther similar support groups, such as Weight Watchers, out of fear or shame. If someone were to break their back in an accident, insurance would pay for the rehab to help them learn to walk again. Most obese people need to re-learn how to cook, eat, exercise and live. Why isn't this considered rehab?

2. It's a sad state of affairs that people are using morbid obesity to (a) win money or (b) get fame/attention. What's more unforuntate is that the public is so willing to eat up these stories. I'm even guilty of it myself after having watched Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition, The Biggest Loser, Heavy, Losing It, etc. We like the stories of dramatic change even when it's not a healthy way to go about that change.

3. Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Dr. Oz were right to turn her away (if that is what she did) as she doesn't seem to be sincere in the least. If she had the epiphany, she would realize that no one other than herself is (1) in her way of succeeding or (2) the key to her success. If she truly wanted to lose the weight at any point in her life, she would have found a way. But right now, the addiction to food is way more important to her than her health.... Which brings me to...

4. What this woman needs most is a PSYCHOLOGIST to figure out why she wants the attention, why she's a compulsive eater, and how that is all related. Whether she recognizes it or not, it is related. I hope Dr. Drew is able to refer her to an addiction counselor/psychologist who can work with her on a long-term basis.

5. In my opinion and my experience, I belive that you don't get to choose your addiction (alcohol, drugs, food, Angry Birds), it chooses you. But at some point you get Stockholm Syndrome and sympathize with your addiction/captor more than you are fighting it. The addiction is most dangerous when you stop fighting it. Resigning to your addiction and saying "this is just the way I am and always will be" is not the same as surrendering to it and saying "it is stronger than I am." If you surrender, you are willing and able to get help. If you are resigned, you don't think any help (diet, exercise, therapy, etc.) will ever work.

6. When in doubt, send in Richard Simmons. I think he may be the original Honey Badger. Richard Simmons don't care how big you are. Richard Simmons don't care how long you've been fat. Richard Simmons knows you can shake your tush and break the cycle of bad eating.

"Addiction is a family affair"

2011-09-13T14:25:00.002-04:00

Very interesting video.

Thoughts?

Yo Figure...

2011-09-10T13:02:00.000-04:00

The very first time I remember eating yogurt I was at Southside Hospital on Long Island. My grandmother had just had a stroke and was being treated. The yogurt was at the hospital's cafeteria.

I think it was plain, or even peach, I'm not sure which (I was 7 or so) but I ate it begrudgingly. From that point on, any time I'd see yogurt or think "hmm I should eat this" -- I tasted the stale antiseptic chemicals from the hospital. I just couldn't do it.

In 2002/2003ish, I got a new roommate (Katie) who introduced me to lots of different kinds of food. Among those foods was Indian food and I instantly fell in love. I never knew beans could taste so good (my mom would only make Campbell's Pork & Beans-- with maple syrup, brown sugar, pineapple or sometimes marshmallows). I fell in love with the heat and texture of the food.

One of the things I couldn't get enough of was raita (a yogurt sauce that is similar to Greek tzatziki or Persian mast-o kheyar). I couldn't believe what I was tasting. It wasn't sweet, but it was savory. It wasn't chalky, but it was sensuously palatable. I realized that I didn't hate yogurt, I just didn't like certain kinds -- i.e., the overly sweet kinds with artificial flavorings. In other words, I actually liked the yogurt but hated the things that masked its goodness.

I started playing around with yogurt -- sometimes straining out the whey (which I now know is bad, because that's where the nutrients live) and making a "cheese" spread, or adding spices, adding in fresh fruit or cereals. I started trying different brands and figuring out what I liked instead of thinking I was going to have the same bad experience that I had the first time.

Yogurt (namely Chobani (raspberry, lemon, and mango are my favorites), but sometimes I stray to other kinds) is now a staple of my diet. I eat it almost every day. The daily ritual of eating my yogurt with breakfast (as it is my favorite way to get the protein that I need) always reminds me of how (1) food prejudices aren't always logical, (2) taste changes over time, and (3) that you can't lump all products together.

Go figure, right?

Acccountability

2011-09-04T16:44:00.000-04:00

You know, someone asked me very early on "so... you just trust people to report their #GoTheDist numbers accurately?"

Of course I do.
Why?
(1) I'm a very trusting person (and I try to surround myself with trustworthy people); and
(2) I'm not the one they're screwing if they artificially inflate their numbers.

Same goes for food logging -- who do you screw if you over/under report your calorie intake? It's not me. It's not your doctor, your trainer, or your dietitian. It's YOU.

But trust me when I tell you this: it's okay if you don't have the best workout or eat a little too much. Pay attention to the trends. Pay attention to how you feel. And then LEARN. Put it in the context of "when I do ______________, I feel _____________."

When I run 5 miles, I feel awesome.
When I eat over my calorie target, I feel guilty when it's junk food.
When I look at the day as a whole, I feel confident that I can do better tomorrow.

This is how you go the distance-- small little steps and mental adjustments that add up piece by piece.

"I'm a sensitive soul, though I seem thick-skinned" / End of August #GoTheDist, Beginning of September #GoTheDist

2011-09-01T01:08:00.006-04:00

I really can't introduce this in any other way than repeating that this is the story I'm always trying to tell (and never seem to get right) as well as the hardest story I have to tell:

August #GoTheDist

For me it was an unfocused personal mess... Though I didn't meet either of my exercise targets and gained 5lbs, I achieved the theme of celebrating. Between my birthday, my brother's wedding, my dad's birthday, a few other birthdays in the family and among friends, I definitely had lots of joy in my life (as well as some frustration for added contrast).

For some people it was yet another victorious month (how do YOU define it?). Congrats to @Bambi_P, @OfftheDlistM, @phatteri, @x_factor, @dubyawife, and @siobhanmpalmer who all either reached their targets, or got really effing close. Kudos to those who suck with it and put forth some noble effort.

September #GoTheDist

One of the recent themes of my blog/life has been failure and truth as well as how they relate to each other. As usual when I'm feeling down, I turn to The Buddha, or Buddhist texts for some insight. Why is this? Look at the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, or even the new guy, the Karmapa Lama: they seem to witness so much suffering in their own personal lives or those of their countrymen and peers and yet they find a way to smile from the very depths of their hearts. I figure they know something. And I want to know what they know.

It becomes almost circular at some point with Buddhism. For all of the teachings, for all of the teachers, there is an intrinsic sense of truth that cannot be coerced into being. It blossoms with time and experience, knowledge and examination, patience and curiosity. It's what some people call faith, some call noumenon. Just one day it arrives and yet it had always been there.

So for September's theme, my question is "What is your personal truth; what is true to you today?" It doesn't have to be deep or serious, but it does have to be genuine. How can you (further) bring sincerity and truth into your weightloss/healthgain/fitness/life journey? Borrow a truth if you need one, or need some inspiration.

How do you think you did over the course of the month?
Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities? Why is this? Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this?
Can you apply what you've learned in ##GoTheDist somewhere else in your life?
Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
What was the hardest part of the challenge? (physical? mental/psychological?)
What do you think you did really well this month? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off?
Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it? Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

Blissfully Happy

2011-08-29T22:43:00.003-04:00

I've said before that I don't think anyone got overweight/obese by being blissfully happy with their life. But I don't think I've really gone in to the corollary to that -- which is that many people who are overweight/obese are unhappy and don't own up to it. Rather than admitting and living through their unhappiness, they stuff it down.

So it's with that in mind that I want to say two things, in reverse order:

1. Thank you and I appreciate it.
2. But if I'm going through a funk, it doesn't necessarily mean I've given in, or that I need rescue.

Ask anyone who has successfully lost the weight and kept it off: in order to be successful with this battle, you need to be familiar with your emotions. You don't need to spill your guts all over the internet, but you need to be on a first name basis with the negative emotions you (most of us) were trying to bury with food.

It's healthy to say "I'M ANGRY" or "I'M FRUSTRATED." It's even healthy to say "I FEEL A LITTLE LOST." It doesn't mean you've given up, doesn't mean you're failing. Just means you know where you are.

And in order to climb out of the pit of despair (as it feels sometimes) you need to be able to take the first step and call a spade a spade. And then climb. And climb some more.

Like I said in a previous entry, "Here, I very clearly understood that all emotions (not just anger, and not just the positive emotions) have their place, have their time, and have their own needs." So when I'm expressing frustration, anger, feeling lost, etc., I don't need a "cheer up" or "you're doing well," I need to hear "ain't it a bitch" or "I've been there." Remind me that saying the words STAGNATION or WISHY WASHY, or UNFOCUSED are ways of naming what I feel, and it's better than running to the refrigerator.

Worry more if I say "don't worry, I'm fine" or "it's okay, I don't want to talk about it." That means I'm shutting down and giving in.

I haven't done that yet, now, have I?

I needed to hear this....

2011-08-24T22:45:00.000-04:00

Thank you (1) Glamour's Twitter feed and (2) Emily Ley:

A Big Fat Failure

2011-08-23T21:52:00.002-04:00

This post must seem odd coming off the heels of being nominated as one of the Top 50 Most Inspirational Healthy Tweeps, but I feel like a Big Fat Failure.

I'm not being falsely modest or humble, I'm just calling it like I see it.
Why do I feel like a failure? Well for starters I'm sitting here writing this post while eating Cheetos (something I haven't done in almost a year) out of a bowl as if it were cereal. But that's not really it.

Reason 1: My Big Brother's Wedding

This isn't one of my normal "woe is me" rants in which I vent about being single.

I felt like a Big Fat Failure because, without singling anyone out, my family's health isn't the best. There used to be a time when we were active as a family, playing football in the yard, basketball, or even t-ball (with Catholic families it's easy to side two teams). But now? Not so much. We've slowed down a bit and enjoy good food/drinks too much/too often.

It just struck me while at my brother's wedding: how on earth can I be an inspiration to anyone else (hello internets!) if I can't get my own family on the right path towards health and away from all the co-morbidity factors associated with being overweight/obese.

There's no doubt that they notice the change in me but I don't think it's enough. They know I've lost the weight, but they didn't see it happen in real time. Sadly, I'm 250 miles away, too far to show them (by example) the day-to-day business of being more active and managing intake. You can't really discuss weight loss and healthy lifestyles once or twice a year over Thanksgiving dinner or at a funeral, can you?

Still, how can I possibly say I love my family members if I'm standing idly by while they are living such unhealthy lives? That first starts with making a judgment: "You are unhealthy." That never flies too well among family, does it? I'd intervene if I saw a family member with a drug or alcohol problem, but it's almost verboten to not talk about how many of my family members are overweight and inactive. And then secondly, how can one of the babies of the family convince the elders that I know better? ...that I can help them?

For right now the only answer I know is to be (1) present in their lives (2) honest about what losing the weight has done for me and (3) honest about my fears of losing them to preventable diseases associated with obesity.

Reason 2: Willful Stagnation

I've only marked off two of the goals I wrote down at the beginning of the year. The one that is bothering me most is "see what 185 looks & feels like." Why? Because at the beginning of last November, I was 188. 185 was 3 measly pounds away. I'm around 192 again. I say "around" because I think that's what I am (because that's when I fit into size 12 pants and the size 12 still fit) but I haven't bit the bullet and mounted the scale.

Now, I know I'm active and that I shouldn't look at the scale to judge my progress, but I should look at my actions to judge my progress. Well.... those aren't good either. I'm not exercising as consistently as I was back then. I'm not hitting my #GoTheDist targets. I'm not food logging. I'm seeing some of my trigger foods creep back into my life. I'm seeing my focus wane.

I know part of that is that I've been battling some recurring injuries -- my back (as always) has been giving me some crap from boxing, my knee (from running), and my shoulder (that was new!). I find it hard to have that much mental fortitude all the time with everything else going on in my life. The problem was that I saw it as a "get out of gym free" card. Not exercising because you're actually injured is a good reason to abstain from exercise, but not exercising because you've lost momentum or are afraid of re-injury is really the wimp's way out.

If you've ever met me, you know I'm not a wimp. But I'm a Big Fat Failure because I've let everything else get in the way of what I *know* to be something I want: to live a healthy, long, active life. I'm a Big Fat Failure because from the outside looking in, it looks like I've given up.

I know both of these things really fall under "Tend to Your Own Garden" theme-- e.g. work on your own life before trying to help/fix other people -- but, the thing is this: time and time again, I've come to realize that admitting my faults, showing my struggle, and renewing my resolve to fight is how I tend my garden.

[I contemplated a cheesy line about you all being my flowers, but you're all a bit more badass than that.]

Fighting Spirit

2011-08-10T15:33:00.002-04:00

I'm surprised that i haven't blogged about this before, but one of my favorite phrases is "Even on your worst day, you can be someone's hero." It's a double-edged phrase: (1) don't beat yourself up for being imperfect and (2) you still have value to share with other people.

The news of having to rehab yet another body part put me in a bit of a bit of a tailspin (I have many of those) and I had a few bad days of pain/soreness, and then feeling sorry for myself when I got an envelope in the mail. Jack Sh!t had asked me for my address and for my willingness to participate in a secret project. With such vague details I thought to myself, "only good can come of this." It never crossed my mind that it could be all a part of some nefarious kitchen experiment. But no, he had to go and do something sweet, humbling, and meaningful. That envelope arrived on a day when I felt like I was a failure as a blogger, a failure as someone looking to improve their heath and wellbeing, and when I was feeling the impending doom of turning 30.

If you go all the way to the bottom of his "Putting It All Together" post, you'll see a photo of little ol me:

"The Fighting Spirit of Robby at FatGirlvsWorld"
Gawww.... shucks, Jack....

That little index card is now in a place where I see it every day. It reminds me that other people see how much I fight for myself. It reminds me that people that I love and respect see that I don't give up or give in when things get tough. Truth is that sometimes I feel like I can't live up to the SuperHero image I've created for myself. But the thing is most SuperHeroes are human in one way or another (either in their secret identity or their foibles). The humanity is what we identify with most. If Jack Sh!t has taught me anything, it has been that (much like Cyrano) laughing at yourself doesn't have to be self-deprecating and debasing, sometimes if you laugh at yourself it means you love yourself beyond compare with a full, but light heart. Being joyful and silly can help restore us even on our worst days.

Even on your worst day, you can be someone's hero.

And sometimes that just means you being who you are -- imperfect, in-progress, honest.

And sometimes that just means you should check the mail to see if Jack Sh!t has sent you something.

Thanks, Jack!

30

2011-08-09T16:00:00.007-04:00

My mom used to joke that I was always 13-going-on-30 -- that I was too mature and serious for my age. She also would joke that I would never survive to see 30 (i.e. that my mouth/attitude would get me in trouble).

Well, I made it to 30.

Monday morning (6:30 am) found me a bit hungover (or still drunk?) from the weekend festivities. I checked my phone (as it was still in my hand from when I came home the previous night and fell in bed completely dressed) and the emails, tweets, facebook messages, were already piling up. My kittens noticed me rustling in bed and decided to join me. The birds were singing outside. My hip flexors were screaming bloody murder. But I had survived my mom's prediction.

Now what?

I had previously spoken with my friend Faith about the feelings of panic that accompanied this landmark birthday. I felt like I hadn't achieved the things in life that people achieve by age 30. I wasn't married (or even dating), no kids (I love the cats, but they (as much as they try) aren't human), I didn't own my own home (I rent), and I hadn't taken over the world. She asked me to what I was comparing myself. Don't most people compare themselves to their parents? My parents were married and having a family before age 30. Faith reminded me that our generation doesn't have the same social mores or timelines as our parents' generation. She also reminded me that while I haven't been married or had kids, I also hadn't suffered some of the hearbreak that comes along with them (divorce, miscarriage, etc.).

A cloud hung over me for most of the current year because of my (lack of a) romantic life. When I thought the right person had entered my life, I made up my mind to be open, honest, and willing to love someone. I went all in and came up short in the cards. I wondered if I had squandered time and energy trying to force my life into an equation. I learned there is no equation. And while I don't want to harp on the past, I do want to say that it was enough to cause me to lose my way a bit. That coupled with some injuries made me lose sight of why I was doing all of this (the blog, the journey) in the first place. I felt I was lagging behind, or didin't know what everyone else knew.

So lying in bed on my 30th birthday, I sorted through my thoughts and tried to figure out what to say when invariably people would ask me "How does it feel to be 30?"

I'm thankful. My family is awesome, my friends are amazing ("Dear friends, You are angels and drunks, you are magi. Old friends, you stuck a pin in a map I was in, And you are the stars I navigate home by" Elbow), and I have 2 kitties to curl up with at night. I have a job I love working with people I respect and admire, a regular paycheck, and great benefits. I'm able to provide for myself.

I'm healthy. How many people get to say that they're in better physical shape at 30 than they were at 16? Sure I have aches and pains here and there, but given my diagnosis, I'm happy to say I have more good days than bad. Not only am I physically healthy, but I'm more mentally and emotionally balanced as a whole.

I'm unencumbered. I couldn't figure out the right word to describe what I mean, but at 30, I feel so free in my life. I'm not bogged down by the emotional crap I was trying to figure out in my 20s. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone, not even myself. I can make of the day or any situation what I choose to make of it.

In other words....

I woke up wanting to go to boxing, go to work, thank everyone for remembering my birthday, and celebrate the life I have been lucky enough to have.

"How does it feel to be 30?"

"Bring. It. On."

Oh, and if you saw on twitter how I wrote that all I wanted for my birthday was for former New York Giant Kevin Boss to unblock me (why he blocked me we'll never know).... well... wishes do come true.

August #GoTheDist

2011-07-31T18:44:00.000-04:00

Normally I like to wrap up (or have a guest post) the previous month's #GoTheDist challenge, but well.... let's just look forward and not backwards, eh? HEY! I said no looking backwards!!

I always wondered why there were no national/major religious holidays in August -- then I realized that my birthday (August 8) should reason enough to celebrate (even on the years it didn't go quite so well). And while I don't have the power to tell you all to take off on Monday, August 8, you have entrusted me with the power to suggest fun and zany ways to spend the month (mwuahahahah power!!).

So with tongue-in-cheek, that's this month's theme. I think the past few months have been kind of serious with the whole self-love theme. I'd love to see people keeping up the self love, but let's look at it from a more lighthearted place (other than staring at ourselves naked in front of a mirror and the subsequent panic):

Celebrate at least one thing every day.

I don't care if you're celebrating the availability of seasonal fruits, a PR, a great night's sleep, a fantastic date, or even a really good bowel movement. I want August to be full of joy for you. I want the thing you choose to celebrate to be genuine, heartfelt, and even silly if you must. But really enjoy it.

We're coming up on one year of the #GoTheDist Challenge (if you recall, the first month I took it on alone before offering it up to Twitter. For some of us this is old hat, and for others this is new and still a challenge. But since it's my birthday, and I never ask for much, I'm going to ask that everyone dig in, participate, and CELBRATE YOURSELF EVERY DAY. Put it on twitter. Put it on your spreadsheet. Put it in your blog. I want this celebratory mood to be infectious.

How do you think you did over the course of the month?
Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities? Why is this? Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this?
Can you apply what you've learned in ##GoTheDist somewhere else in your life?
Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
What was the hardest part of the challenge? (physical? mental/psychological?)
What do you think you did really well this month? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off?
Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it? Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

Lesson Learned; Lesson Re-Learned

2011-07-26T10:38:00.001-04:00

I am not ashamed to admit it: I’m a bibliophile: I love books. I love the feel of the paper as I turn each page and the musty old smell of you will never get from a Kindle.

Of all of my books, I have a few favorites. Some books I love because they are classic and I find myself leafing through the pages over and over again (like my collected works of Shakespeare), some I love because they changed my life profoundly (for instance, my Buddhism collection). And still there are some that I love because of who they brought into my life (such as the text books I have kept written by people who started as professors and left my life as mentors and role models).

Among these favorites is my 1898 copy (it was published in 1897 in French) of Cyrano De Bergerac that was once in the Johns Hopkins Library (from the Lanier Collection) that I purchased at Bartleby’s Books in Georgetown with my then-boyfriend J who was one of the most passionate men and bibliophiles I’ve ever met. He was also one of the most precocious and argumentative men I had ever met as well. While he browsed the children’s literature, I let my eyes wander.

At first I was taken by the beautiful binding of the book, and then the delicate illustrations, but ultimately it was the title of the book that won me over: Cyrano de Bergerac. I was familiar with the story two ways -- the 1980s movie Roxanne with Steve Martin, and from the time in high school I was selected to act in a one-act excerpt/abridged version of the play (I was Le Bret, Cyrano’s friend). For $25, the book had found a new home.

Cyrano was profound for me in that I learned the art of beating people to the punchline regarding my weight. Cyrano’s wit was as sharp as his sword, and he would slash at anyone who took dull jabs at his nose. Valvert tries his hand and only comes up with “Your nose is LARGE.” Cyrano says “Ah, no, young man, that is not enough! You might have said, dear me, there are a thousand things ... varying the tone...For instance... here you are: Aggressive: I, monsieur, if I had such a nose nothing would serve but I must cut it off! Amicable: It must be in your way while drinking; you ought to have a special beaker made! Descriptive :It is a crag.... a peak... a promontory.... A promontory [or a cape], did I say? It is a peninsula!....” (My favorite, which I often changed to suit my purpose: “Anxious: Go with caution, I beseech, lest your head, dragged over by that weight, should drag you over!”)

But I am willing to admit that in all my years of loving the story of Cyrano, I finally understand the story much better, or at least the central figure. What I thought was self-deprecating humor (perhaps this was the influence of Steve Martin’s delivery) was really a man with a very high self-worth, willing to admit his imperfection (especially as a barrier to winning the love of Roxanne) but not allow anyone else to take cheap shots at such imperfection. After Cyrano schools the bawdy Valvert in how to properly insult someone, Valvert still doesn’t get the point and goes on to try and insult Cyrano (*gasps* he goes out in public without gloves!). Valvert exhausts Cyrano’s patience when he calls Cyrano “refuse of the earth” and a “buffoon.”

Cyrano ups the ante by fencing with Valvert while composing a poem (a ballad in this case).

Tucked between the lesson on how to give an insult and the duel are these beautiful lines spoken by Cyrano: “I walk with all upon me furnished bright. I plume myself with independence and straightforwardness. It is not a handsome figure, it is my soul I hold erect, as in a brace. I go decked with exploits in place of ribbon bows. I taper to a point my wit like a moustache...”

In other words, the imperfection of his nose does not limit or define him as a man or as a soldier. (He does let it limit him as a lover, assuming that Roxanne couldn’t love him because of his nose. But if you know the story, this turns out to to be a false assumption, as Roxanne loves Cyrano’s words and soul more than she does just the face/body of her young love, Christian).

In June’s #GoTheDist challenge, people found it hard to look at themselves naked in the mirror. People felt vulnerable and exposed. Some people found it impossible to take a deep breath and settle in. It was hard to not fight the imperfections, instead allowing them to coexist with our whole self (i.e. not separate from the things we love about ourselves). So I asked that in July #GoTheDist we learn to at least not bully ourselves.

So I just wanted to remind you of the story of Cyrano and how I got the message wrong: I thought Cyrano was the master of self-deprecating humor, having the first laugh at himself. However, Cyrano was ready to defend not only himself, but his imperfection(s), to the point of a sword. He was not laughing at himself, but holding himself in the highest regard because of his character, his courage (Cyrano introduced the English-speaking world to the word "panache") and his lack of pretense.

So I’m going to ask you now, and ask you time and time again, to (1) love your imperfections and (2) defend them, as they are a part of your whole self. If you would not let someone make fun of your weakness(es), why should you be allowed to bully yourself? Do not mistake self-deprecating humor as being humble or lighthearted about yourself. If you treat yourself badly, you open the door to allow others to do the same. Do as Cyrano and always hold yourself in the highest regard.

A Mile in Her Shoes

2011-07-24T00:36:00.005-04:00

Do not judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.

We've all heard versions of this proverb throughout our lives. It is meant to say that empathy/sympathy should precede judgment.

Well, today I got this email:

Hi Robby,

I hate to be an ass, but I have come to terms with it over the years.
I followed you through [name redacted] over the past few months. I know you are going through some physical pain right now, but your tweets have really started to piss me off.

I hate the heat. I hate to sweat, which I do, profusely. Complaining about the weather doesn't change the fact that I sweat. Complaining about your back woes does nothing to change the fact that it hurts and isn't getting better. I am unfollowing you because man, your guy problems, cats, and shaving issues do nothing to enrich my life. Good luck with your shingles and carple[sic] tunnel syndrome. From the way you are talking, they are sure to come next.

A former fan,
[name redacted]

Whoa and hey now! I bet it made this person feel all big and important to write that email, but if someone doesn't want to read my blog or be an acquaintance, that's their choice. I won't force anyone to read my blog or follow my tweets.

However, I didn't know it was my job to enrich her life. My mission statement has never been to help other people (that just seems to happen coincidentally as a result of my helping myself). It has all about how I take on (1) the world and (2) people's perceptions of fat people as I "struggle for [my] body.

My back has been the biggest struggle on this journey.

To be perfectly clear, this is not a "take an aspirin, use a heating pad" kind of back problem. I have degenerative disc disease ("DDD"). I have three confirmed bulging discs with annular tears. They have not herniated, but they most likely will at some point At that point I will require a multi-level (4 at the least) spinal fusion. It will greatly limit my mobility and flexibility, and there's no guarantee that it will help with the pain. This most recent neck thing might be another disc showing signs of breakdown. I feel pain and numbness radiating down my neck, through my left shoulder and down my left arm.

The easiest way to explain DDD is that my spine doesn't look like the spine of a healthy 29 year old. My spinal specialist (a spinal microsurgeon) said it has more in common with that of someone who is 50-60. DDD is genetic (my mother had 6 herniated discs-- 3 in her neck, 3 in her back; tendonitis and arthritis. She dealt with it not through rehab or medication, but by drinking). It's not just because I'm overweight (losing 50lbs helps a little, but does not cure my back). I could have gone many years without experiencing symptoms, however I've experienced two trauma s to my back that have exacerbated my DDD: in 1997 a linebacker bodychecked me into a wall and in 2007 a concert goer pulled me to the ground and 7 people landed on me.

But the name of the post is "walk a mile in her shoes" -- and as there is no Spoon Theory for back pain that I've seen here goes:

It hurts to do just about everything.

What we know: I have 3 bulging discs in my lower back (L3-L4, L4-L5, L5-S1).

Imagine your vertebra are bricks and instead of mortar between them, they have jelly doughnuts between them. The doughnut normally lines up right underneath the brick. A bulge is when the brick exerts pressure on the doughnut in such a way that the doughnut is pushed beyond the boundary of the brick. In my case, the discs are pushed dorsally (i.e. away from my core, and toward the outside of my back). Herniation is when the jelly is pushed outside the doughnut and into your body and the pastry is flattened, thus providing no cushioning between the bricks. I'm not quite there yet, but there are cracks in my jelly doughnuts.

Each of those discs/doughnuts have annular tears. This means that not only are the walls of the discs (the annulus) misshapen and pressing on nerves they shouldn't, but the actual discs are breaking down and are prone to herniation (and having the nucleus pulposus/jelly squish out). The actual discs relay feelings of pain to my spine and then brain.

How this expresses itself is that I often lose feeling in my left leg (sciatic nerve is a bitch) and sometimes that means I stumble/fall. Also, the actual discs can become inflamed and feel pain. When the discs are inflamed, it hurts to even touch my back (which is why I (sadly) cannot get masses on my back).   Any type of exercise with torque/twisting or compression (jumping) is not advised. Planks and pushups are hard because my stomach/back muscles aren't strong in the way they need to be, and the exercises that will make them strong usually put pressure on those discs.

I also have tendonitis in both hip joints (further adding instability to my core), but it is worse on my left side. If you're ever around me, I'll pop my hip for you. It's a gross party trick.   It makes exercises like leg lifts or scissor kicks very painful.

Like I said above, we're not sure what's causing the cervical radiculitis, but it could be another disc issue (degeneration/bulge), but in my cervical spine. (Thoracic spinal injuries are more rare as there isn't much movement in that part of your spine, but it's not impossible, especially through trauma to the area). How this expresses itself is that I can't really turn my neck to the left, and there is pain/numbness radiating down my left shoulder/arm. I have a limited range of movement in that arm, and I can't carry heavy things.

Each basic task of caring for yourself (god forbid you have to care for other people!) is broken down into its component and painful parts:

Going the bathroom was the hardest: pulling down underwear, trying to sit down, twisting to reach toilet paper, bending to get up, and trying to get dressed. There were times I was worried I'd be stranded in a bathroom unable to get up. I found myself using the handicappeId bathroom just so there was a bar I could use to pull myself up.   Often I urinated on myself when sneezing because when I sneezed the nerves that controlled my bladder were compressed. Same goes for laughing. I started keeping extra underwear and pants at work because of this.

Showering wasn't any easier -- I could basically clean the front of my torso, arms, neck, and face. Everything else hurt in one way or another because of bending or twisting. Shaving my legs was damn near impossible even on a good day. On a few occasions I almost bit it in the shower because I was trying to shave my legs.   I couldn't even shave while sitting in the tub. I just couldn't bend that way.

I couldn't sleep because almost every sleeping position was painful. With pillows. Without pillows. With the ramp. Without the ramp. After a hot shower. After icing.   With or without my knees tucked in a child's pose. Thanks to narcotics, I'd average 3-4 hours of sleep a night. But even that sleep wasn't enough and on top of being in pain I was irritable and exhausted.

Getting dressed was always an adventure as to how I'd have to figure out how to put on underwear, pants, socks, shoes, etc.

I had two chairs at work because it hurt to sit in one position for too long. The Nada Chair was one of my saving graces -- not just because I could stick an icepack between myself and the fabric, but because it helped me sit for more than 10 minutes at a time.

Cooking fell by the wayside for a few reasons -- mainly because I couldn't carry more than a few groceries at a time, the medications or the pain made me nauseated, and/or prepping food/cooking it was another instance of bending at the kitchen counter. My diet was about what was easiest.

Forget about taking care of my apartment--washing dishes was (and continues to be) painful, bent over a deep sink for even 5 minutes can make my leg go numb. Each box of cat litter was 21-35 lbs of weight that I had to figure out how to carry (sometimes friends would help, but I'd still have to figure out how to get it in the litter box). Laundry? Ugh. Vacuuming? Dusting? All challenges I had to figure out.

Et cetera and so on. Okay, so life wasn't as easy as it used to be. So I won't be able to do the thing I used to be able to do and/or the things I wish I could do. To a certain degree I can/could handle that. I am strong, I am young. I have a high pain tolerance and a positive attitude. What became even harder than having a back problem was how people reacted to me saying I had a back problem. So many people would be like "have you tried this drug?" "A heating pad?" "this stretch" "that exercise" -- it was really hard to explain to people that this wasn't a sore muscle, this was a spine injury and it caused nerve pain.

It's not like I'm disabled in a wheelchair, or missing a limb. It's not an obvious thing. I could be sitting in front of you and you'd never know just how much pain it is for me to sit there. I might bitch and complain on my blog, or on facebook/twitter, but it doesn't mean I've given up or given in to my injury.

For all intents and purposes, the amount that I complain about my back is minimal in comparison to each and every day I've had to live with this. Even I feel guilty. Before that snarky email arrived, I had posted to my Google+:

I really hate complaining when i know there are worse tragedies and misery in the world. tha being said, i really hate being in pain (neck/shoulder), unable to exercise (boxing or gym), and basically stuck in bed (the pain meds make me sleepy/woozy). i just want a body that cooperates with me instead of constantly working against me for the past few years. i mean , my brain finally got the message regarding exercise and diet... i'd like to keep up that momentum without having to deal with injuries. /end rant

My friend JD reminded me that it is okay to complain/vent:

JD: Never make your misery relative. It sucks you gotta go through all this crap :(

Me: Well i feel it is relative. i know that for me to complain that something is really wrong. at the same time i think about soldiers in recovery/rehab at walter reed. i think about people in third world countries walking around dying from treatable diseases. i feel like my pain is so minor in this world, and that i have the benefit of doctors and medicine... and yet, i feel absolutely miserable.

JD: That still does not negate what your going through. Everybody needs to vent. Everybody is entitled to feel like shit once in a while.

Me: It's the proximity we have to our own pain that makes it feel insurmountable sometimes.

And it does feel insurmountable sometimes. I do read your blog entries and tweets about running races or great workouts with a pang of jealousy. I am not jealous of you, per se, but I'm frustrated that when I finally started to understand how much I loved exercise that the ability to do it freely was taken from me. I want to be part of your 5k herd. I want to do each and every rep at the gym with you. I want to Zumba my little ass off. But the truth of the matter is that my desire to do such things is not what dictates my ability to do so.

One of the things about DDD is the awareness that even the most innocuous of movements can cause irreparable damage. For example, if I were in a yoga pose, and were to fall over, I might cause a disc to herniate, or a new disc bulge. Does it prevent me from living? No, but I'm cautious about which activities I engage in, and very mindful about the condition of my back. On a good day I might be healthy enough to box. On a bad day, getting out of bed might be inadvisable.

So there's the mental aspects of feeling restricted by my body and older than I am -- and those aspects contribute to how I feel about myself in general. No where is this more evident than in my social/dating life. How do you feel sexy when you're bent over and hobbling down the road like a 70 year old? How do you expect someone to love a broken thing?

The 3-4 months in 2007 when my back was its worst were horrible for me because not only was I in pain, I felt isolated because of it. It was before how I knew to ask for help, it was before I knew how to talk to people about back pain. I'd go home from work and start shoving ice packs down my pants, take my vicodin, and generally be useless for a few hours. I couldn't drink while I was on the narcotics/steroids, and I think people were unsure about whether to ask me to bars/events or not. So basically take a hermit and give them a reason to isolate themselves and that's what you get.

I had to give up softball (my main social outlet) and kickball (but would often just go and sit on the sidelines). I couldn't go to the movies because sitting down that long was painful. I couldn't dance (and if I were near a dance floor invariably people would pull at me and try to get me to dance). I couldn't even wander DC at night (I had a 20 minute time period before my back would start to become inflamed).

So yeah, I might complain. You try to deal with chronic pain 24/7 with a smile plastered on your face.
It's harder than you think.

So yeah, I might complain. But venting my frustrations means that I'm not giving in to them. It means there are things I'd rather be doing than sitting in bed twiddling my thumbs.

So yeah, I might complain. But at least I'm not going the way of people who have become addicted to pain medication.

So yeah, I might complain. You don't have to empathize. But walk a mile in my shoes before you criticize.

You can't keep a good woman down....

2011-07-14T14:32:00.000-04:00

but you can keep her out of the gym and no boxing.

Orthopedist ordered 4 weeks of rehab, 1 week of steroids, reassessment in 10 days, pain meds, muscle relaxers (to make it so (1) I can sleep and (2) so I don't wake up in pain).

This is so not the news I wanted to hear. But it's not like I didn't expect it.
The diagnosis? Cervical radiculitis.

If in 10 days I'm not feeling better we're going to do an MRI to figure out if there's a bulging disc (we don't think there's a herniation b/c the MRI showed a good inter-vertebral space).

Right now the pain has me out of the gym (even running on the elliptical hurts). So I'll need you all to run a mile or two for me until I'm all fixed.

The hardest part about all of this? I wonder where I'd be if I didn't have to deal with a crappy spine. Would I have reached my goals? Will I get to continue on?

Results

2011-07-13T12:18:00.001-04:00

So a few posts ago, I posted a a poll in which I asked a few questions. Here are the interesting results (but are by no means scientific or definitive) from the 96 people who answered the poll:

Question 1:

Question 2:

(I find this particularly heartbreaking. I'm one of the 57% of people who have been overweight/obese for 15 years just like me. That's over half of my life. What has taken me so long to turn this ship around??)

Question 3:

Question 4:

(and since some of the titles are cut off, and the numbers are interesting, here's the data for the graph above)

There are a few things that do and don't surprise me here. But I think the big takeaway from this is that we're amazingly cognizant about how we arrived at our weight. We can apply the same awareness to removing it, no?

Genetics—40%
I guess the follow-up question is: "Do you think you are restricted by your genetics? Do you think that you are destined to be overweight/obese, and thus, powerless?" Your genotype (genes) doesn't always restrict your phenotype (outward expression of genes) but it can inform it. It's up to you to determine whether you're going to let a few chromosomes dictate your health and happiness.

Depression—57% (especially tied with all the other ways mental health ties into this)
I'm not surprised at all by this -- but again, there's the follow-up: "If depression was/is an issue for you, have you addressed the root of the problem? Unless you address the root of the problem and/or mask it with food and quick fixes, you'll never experiene the victory that you deserve.

I grew up in / I live in an unhealthy environment with other overweight people—33% / Parents didn't teach me proper nutrition —33%

Re growing up/parentes -- that was the past. What are you doing to forgive them for being imperfect and moving on to how you can change this not only in your life but the lives of people around you (especially if you have children)?

As an adult you have more power to dictate your environment (home, work) than you think. Figure out what you need and then enlist help and support. You do not have to remain in an environment that is unhealthy for you. Do not feel powerless to change this. Just because you're making a change doesn't mean other people need to follow suit, but you may just find that you're the inspiration they need to live a healthier life.

Just eat too much—68% / Don't exercise enough—49%
Well this really gets to the heart of it all, doesn't it? What do you all do to measure both sides of the equation? You all know I use the BodyMediaFit system, but for as much as I love it -- if you think it's too expensive and don't want to use it, there are other ways to measure not just your activity levels, but your intake levels. Get familiar with measuring equipment (food scales, measuring cups/spoons, and eventually the ability to estimate) as well as portion sizes. For activity, there are online calculators to determine your BMR + HBE (i.e. how many calories your body burns on average) + estimates for physical activity.

So half of the equation is knowledge; the other half is motivation. What are you waiting for?

And a last part of the question regarding eating too much: ask yourself "what's so scary about being hungry?" The answer might surprise you.

Eating healthy is too expensive—2% / Gyms are too expensive 3%

I'm so proud that you all recognize that the cost of bad health outweighs the preemptive costs of taking care of yourself both inside and out. Good on you!

Yo-Yo Dieting Weight Gain—21%
Can we all just agree to stop with the fad diets and/or diets that try to change too much all in one fell swoop? Make small changes that can last and that you can live with for the rest of your life.

Now I said that the responses would be anonymous, and I will keep my word on that. However, I did want to share and address the answers that people wrote in to the question of why you gained weight.

Answer: Sitting on my ass in an office all day

Reply: Oh my goodness, I feel you there. But that's not really all day -- it's part of the day. What do you do before/after work to get some movement exercise in? Luckily there are lots of great resources (here's one) that have ideas for sneaking in a few burned calories here and there.

Answer: (1) I use food to abuse myself because I was abused as a child and had to keep the cycle up...my weight is a symptom of emotional abuse both at the hands of myself and others; (2) Traumatic childhood; (3) I eat to deal with how I feel instead of actually dealing with the feelings; and (4) food restriction as a child made me have an unhealthy attitude towards food, i.e. "good" foods vs. "bad" foods

Reply: I greatly empathize with all of you. I do not want to be an armchair psychologist (as I'm not licensed and don't want to do any further damage) and so I will preface this with saying "I hope you've found a healthy outlet to discuss these issues and find some healing." I know it's not easy -- but the fact that you're aware of these causes is already a step in the right direction. The one thing I have no hesitation in saying is that each one of you (each one of us) is worthy of having a healthy relationship with your own mind and body, and shame on the people that made you think you didn't.

Answer: (1) Marriage; (2) Bad relationship; (3) First heartbreak (yes, really: lame, I know, especially 11 years later... ); and (4) Family members, grandma especially, believing that food = love.

Reply: These answers really show the range that our emotions have on eating. Both love and heartbreak causing us to take in extra calories and burn less. Our relationships with other people often change how we see and treat ourselves (for better and for worse). In a perfect world, how we see ourselves and how we treat ourselves wouldn't be affected by other people, but it's not a perfect world. I can only hope that if you're in a healthy relationship, that you can enlist the help of those you love to make choices that reflect not only the love they have for you and the love you have for yourself. If they cannot help you, maybe you need to reassess the relationship.

Answer: I just stopped trying

Reply: What do you think you need to start trying? I mean, it doesn't need to be a complete overhaul, just one choice, one step in the right direction.

Answer: Original weight gain was because I ate when I was bored when I hit puberty. Other reasons now why I stay fat.

Reply: I hear you on the first part of the question. I was a latch key kid from the age of 13 on. Without a structured routine after school, I often found myself migrating to the kitchen.

Answer: just want to be/act like my friends who can eat whatever they want without concern of gaining weight.

Reply: If all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge.... Actually -- do you also follow them to the gym? Does your diet for all meals look like theirs? Are you sure they're not concerned with gaining weight? The thing is that what's good for the goose is not always good for the gander. If you trying to eat like your friends makes you overweight/obese, then what good is it really doing you? You can eat what they eat, just reduce the portions, find healthier variations, or just be your own person with your own needs. Your friends won't desert you just because you don't eat everything you do. And if they do give you crap about taking care of yourself, are they really your friends?

Fear

2011-07-09T18:45:00.000-04:00

I've spoken quite a lot about degenerative disc disease as it relates to my back injuries.

But how about how it relates to my mother? She had it too -- she had three herniated discs in her neck and three herniated discs in her lower back. She didn't deal with it well (i.e., seeking therapeutic relief, trying to stretch or build strength, etc.). I'd like to think that I've taken the high road by not drowning my pain in alcohol or pain medication as many people do.

However I live in constant fear of the progression of this disease. My spine ages faster than most people's spines. Not just my lower back, but all of my back.

For the past week I've been feeling pain in my neck and shoulder. Sometimes my arm feels weak or numb. I'm scared as hell that i have another bulging disc in my cervical or thoracic spine -- or worse, a herniation.

Did boxing do it? Did running/compression do it? Did sleeping do it? Any way you look at it, I'm scared to go through this all over again. The months of rehab, the depression, the fear, the anxiety....

I mentioned that I would love to know what my body is supposed to look like -- i.e. what I'll look like at the end of this journey. But really, my only wish is to have a healthy body.

Vanity -- Thy Name is Woman

2011-07-09T18:31:00.001-04:00

Thirty days until my 30th birthday: I can’t say I am where I expected to be in life at this point. Saying you’re 29 and single (with two cats) just doesn’t seem as sad as saying you’re 30 and single (with two cats). Thirty and single with two cats, and having never been in love.

I think this means I get to get a third cat as a consolation prize. (I won’t, as the balance of cats-to-hands is perfect).

I just wanted to talk a little bit about rejection and validation.

As I suffer from my very own form of body dysmorphic disorder (where in my mind I’m Jessica Rabbit--sexpotliscious), I often find myself really aiming high when it comes to crushes and fixations. In for most of my early life (i.e. first grade to twelfth grade) I had a crush on the gorgeous guy who eventually became quarterback of the football team, and who just happened to be in the Honor Society. Oh and he was also one of the all-around nicest guys in the school. For a time I had crushes on the gorgeous exchange students (first from Tasmania and then from Poland) that came to my high school.

Of course these crushes were not fruitful, but I think it’s the source of one of my biggest problems. Aiming high isn’t bad -- I like to say “high standards; low expectations” -- but treating myself as I I am on the “less than” side of any relationship equation is bad. I work too hard at trying to get a guy’s attention or approval versus commanding his respect. In high school this resulted in me making a jackass of myself on more than one occasion.

I know lots of this has to do with having been heavy since I was 8. The pretty/thin girls didn’t need to make a fuss over a guys; guys made fusses over the pretty girls. The rest of us had to find some other angle. I was very lucky that my HS crush never took advantage of the situation for his own personal gain. He was always very kind in rejecting me (and even kind in me turning to him after my mom died). However, not all men have been so kind.

As a 29 year old, I can honestly say that I’ve never been pursued by a man before. No flowers, no stereos or proclamations. I’ve been sincerely asked out less than five times in my life. I don’t know if guys know how to woo anymore (romance, honesty, chivalry) or if since women stopped expecting it, men stopped doing it. Or if men are just running casting a wide net/putting a lot of hooks in the (alcohol-laden) water and just seeing who bites. (I also know that there are guys who are the complete opposite, and are decent human beings)

Now that I’m older, and the game has changed, so has the rejection. Men aren’t as direct upfront; I find they’ll often use a woman (physically/sexually, emotionally) to stroke their own ego. I know so many men that will use a woman up and discard her fully knowing he’s not even attracted to her, or doesn’t even want to be honorable to her.

This is why so many (I believe) women think chivalry is dead. To me, chivalry is wanting to prove that you are honorable, trustworthy, and good in the eyes of the one you love. Too many men are dishonorable. Sometimes we women learn this the hard way. And sometimes we keep making the same mistakes.

As I am now coming into my own, and really loving my body, I find that little has changed. Men will still reject me. Men still use me. But having a man tell me I’m beautiful, or sexy....it just doesn’t get old. I have heard it more in the past year or two than in my whole life. It strokes my ego.

I love how all my (taken) male friends keep on saying to me “I don’t know how you’re single.” They should do me a huge favor and tell their compadres this. “Hey see that girl over there that’s not dressed like a hooker, and isn’t falling over herself drunk... she’s pretty cool.”

Until then, I'm perfectly happy to look at the beautiful men and think they could be mine.
And while I'm wary-- I'm happy to hear men finally look at me more than just a friend, or a pity/easy lay.

July #GoTheDist

2011-06-30T17:04:00.001-04:00

In middle school I had a rather tenacious bully. As the story goes, he was a loser trying to pick on someone else to elevate his own sense of self worth. After my mother died, he was fond of saying "word to your mother to me" on top of his normal pointing, laughing, and tormenting me (especially during lunch--where he was fond of throwing food/wrappers at me).

One day my backpack's zipper decided to crap out and all of my books ended up strewn about the hallway in front of Mr. M.'s shop/tech class. Of course my bully was there to point and laugh. But I was done being bullied. He wasn't laughing when I had him by the neck up against a locker. I simply said "This is the last time you will ever laugh at me." Neither Mr. M. nor the bully ever reported me for what happened.

I'm not a violent person (despite boxing), nor am I an aggressive person. But I've learned to (1) be assertive and (2) stick up for myself.

So why am I saying all this? After looking ofter the June #GoTheDist spreadsheet and talking to some of you on Twitter, it was quite apparent that I wasn't the only one who struggled this month. While my struggle was in getting to the gym and my diet, other people struggled with the "make love of yourself perfect" theme. So we're going to take a step back from that theme and regroup.

Also in celebration of Independence Day (woo hoo U.S.!), I would love for everyone to stand up for themsleves a little bit each day. I especially want to see people do that in conjunction with the June "Make Love of Yourself Perfect" theme -- so if you're standing in front of the mirror and experience a negative thought, stand up for yourself. Stand up for the person you want to be and/or feel like.

Here's the spreadsheet link -- I'll be editing this entry to add a button and some more details.
https://spreadsheets.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=t3au1sN8D4jInJ8rBi0N6pQ#gid=0

Grab the button for yourself (copy and paste HTML into your blog)

Struggle

2011-06-29T11:48:00.000-04:00

I had to go back into my archives and (1) see if I've written on this topic before (I have) and (2) see if I could find any advice for myself (I did).

I'm struggling.

I've already posted about what's going on with work, but the long of the short of it is that I feel like I have so many balls in the air, so many obligations to fulfill, that the ball that I'm dropping is myself. It's totally against the #mefirst principles (i.e., that when life gets hectic, I still need to take the time to take care of myself). Band practice/performance, two softball teams, boxing practice, (wedding shower+father's day weekend); bachelorette party; coordinating with the groom's side of things (I'm technically a groom's man, groom's maid?) my brother's rehearsal dinner (talked to dad about this, he's going to be more hands on), etc. and so on plus the unrelenting work deadlines and projects that are so unusual for my position (my boss is very good about planning/pacing work). I know that no one is expecting me to do everything, but that doesn't alleviate the feeling like I should be doing everything.

I see the struggle as it is happening and yet do nothing to ease the strain.

I've been going into "what next?" mode, that is tackling things as they come up/there's a deadline. People ask me if I'm free next week and my brain is not there. I can't think about next week. I'm too busy trying to survive today.

You can totally see it on my face. You can see it in how I move. I'm exhausted (mentally, physically) and it's not because I'm doing anything mentally or physically strenuous, it's just that I haven't been able to catch up and find solid ground for a hot second.

So where did I find comfort in my archives?

Whelming -- "I am thankful for the lemons. They remind me I have the ability to handle life as it comes to me. Struggle is not failure"

LA Boxing Post #3 -- ". . . I mean finding the courage to confront your life and make (sometimes tough) choices, to find your voice, to find your commitment to yourself. It is finding your inner fire and stoking the flames. . . . There is something I want to do. I will do it my own way (wisely accepting support and guidance). Even if I fall or make a few mistakes, I will get right back up. This is what it means to find your fight. Chutzpah."

Hibernation -- I think the struggle this month is actually a 6-month struggle coming to a head.

Epic Let Down -- "Struggle is part of the process. It's how you deal with the adversity that determines your success or your failure."

Sheryl's "Recovery from Binges and Setbacks" -- "So remember this, if nothing else: A binge or any setback - regardless how long it lasts or how off-plan you stray is just that - a setback. Accept that setbacks *will* happen. On occasion and forever. All that matters is you get up and keep going. You have to realize that at any moment, you can get back on plan. And the sooner you do it, obviously the better; it will minimize any long term effects - weight or bad habits - from creeping back on and in. Remember that every single choice you are presented with after a not-so-great choice is a chance to move forward, a chance to choose better, a chance to just get back up and start over. You don't need to wait for the next week, the next day, or even the next meal - every choice counts. And every choice is a chance to choose differently and better. Every choice counts. Remember that. You just have to choose as well as possible as often as possible."

#OctGTD: Balance -- "But has it ever crossed your mind that it's okay to come up short in the challenge? It's okay to not reach your mileage goal. It's okay to get to the end of the month and come up shy. This is the lesson we all have to learn: it is okay to set goals and make plans and not be able to complete them 100%. Was your intent there? Was your heart in it? Did you commit to yourself and the goal? These are things you should be able to answer for yourself. . . . [T]his is more than just a one-day challenge. This is the rest of your life. Be kind to yourself."

I'm sure there's more, but I don't have time to look.

Touché life, touché.

Bikini Ready

2011-06-26T19:49:00.001-04:00

Every spring, the same thing happens. Year after year, without fail, women's magazines start spouting diet and exercise advice to transform your winter/spring body into a body that is worthy of donning a 2-piece bathing suit.

Translation: In order for you to feel good about being in a bikini, you most lose weight/inches BEFORE you even think about putting the bikini on.

I resent this because I firmly believe having a positive body image is a mental process, not a physical one. People can be body-confident and bikini ready regardless of their size. (Maybe I'm saying this because I posted a picture of myself in a bikini on the internets only when I was sure that nothing anyone said would bring me down.) Besides, there are just as many larger people that feel sexy and confident in a two piece as there are thin people that hyper-critical (See Brazil).

So of course I tweeted a one-liner about being pissed off about this (my anger toward magazines should be nothing new to anyone who reads my blog):

And of course that snowballed into a conversation and then the usual being misconstrued.

While I understand what @monikawoolsey was trying to say about drawing more attention to the obsession not helping people be less obsessed, I disagree firmly. There is no counterbalance if no one (either professionals in the health/fitness community or consumers themselves) speaks up and says "Health and wellness (mental and physical) comes in all sizes and shapes. No one body shape owns the bikini."

As for being misconstrued, if you read the link you'll see that she calls me "a woman who advocates for size acceptance." Okay, that's far from slander, but it's terribly inaccurate. NAAFA I am not.

Where the size acceptance community and I diverge in opinion revolves around the issue of health. I don't think someone who is obese or morbidly obese (overweight is a different story) is in their right mind if/when they claim to be healthy (i.e. without their weight impacting their health). I'm not saying one needs to be able to run a marathon in order to be considered healthy, but I'd venture to say there are certain co-morbidity factors that would suggest being excessively overweight is in the "to be avoided" category.

So yeah... doot da do.... if you've done the work to feel good about yourself physically and mentally, why should anyone or anything tell you that it is not enough (whether you're at the finish line or in progress)? Why should the world's opinion of your physical/mental wellness out-rank your own? If you feel confident in a bikini, then wear a fucking bikini. Own it! Strut down the beach in the bikini. Gracefully float in that bikini. So what if the world (or magazines, or other people) doesn't think you're worthy of donning the itty-bitty-teenie-weenie yellow polka-dots? The world can shove it.

this is what freedom looks like

BTW, June's #GoTheDist has nothing to do with size acceptance. I'm not asking anyone to look at themselves and think "I'm obese, the world should be okay with that." I'm asking people to look at themselves and be able to think "I'm imperfect, it's okay. I'm still loveable." It's a tough challenge for people at every size and shape to be able to look at themselves naked and NOT critique themselves. The challenge is to look in the mirror and find things to love.

I think Sheryl says it best (as she often does):

You may not be able to change certain aspects of your physical self, but you *can* change the way you think about them and accept them, at least eventually. But just like everything else, you will only get there if you begin to work on making that change. And just like everything else - you can do it, you can make that change. If you believe you can. So believe. And do it! Your body is amazing and you need to see that - even if you don't see it in the mirror. Yet.

Testing a Theory

2011-06-22T11:09:00.000-04:00

I've often said that "no one gets fat because they are blissfully happy" -- well I want to test that theory:

Viscious Cycle

2011-06-20T10:59:00.004-04:00

Disclaimer #1: I try not to talk about the specifics of my job (nor will I here, so please don't ask what I do or where I work). I might bitch a bit in this entry, but please know that I'm very thankful (1) to have a job/benefits and (2) to work with people I truly adore.

Disclaimer #2: I'm not perfect. That's okay.

The easiest way to describe what's been going on with me is with numbers:

Date	Hours @ Work	Steps
June 8	13.5	5211
June 9	17.25	6207
June 10 -------------------	11.25 ---------------------	7454 -------
June 14	10.5	5270
June 15	9	7588
June 17	10	10606

As you can see, I've worked a fair number of OT hours (nothing compared to when I first started working here) and it has caused its fair share of disruption in my life. The main reason I want to draw the correlation here is that because I was working OT, I was sitting on my butt for longer than usual per day. I normally average much higher step counts per day (March=16,000; April= 11,000; May=13,000 steps a day). I also had to bow out of playing in 3 softball games for 2 teams, and didn't get to my regular boxing classes.

The other side of the past two weeks is that I was a mess around food. I wasn't making great choices, I wasn't eating mindfully and in a relaxed manner. It was wolfing things down (even if it was a salad) at my desk. There was no intention or attention attached to eating. Oh, and the pizza. Ugh, the pizza. No meal (not even a snack) should be over in 5 minutes.

Work long hours, eat badly, don't sleep well, (shower that doesn't wake you up), work long hours, eat worse, sleep worse. Rinse, repeat. My stress level was up, my emotions were running high, there was little activity, and top it all off I was PMSing (not to mention my twitter was unattended and my Google Reader exploded). I felt vulnerable, exhausted, and like I could do nothing right (computers were out to get me). [[EDIT: especially coming on the heels of realizing a guy misled me and treated me badly.]]

I realized things had come to a head after eating a whole box of Velveeta shells & cheese mixed with a pound of broccoli. The broccoli could not undo the horrors that the Velveeta did to my stomach. I immediately felt sick, out-of-control, and full of regret. I was living the very definition of emotional eating.

And so, tabula rasa: I just need to clear the slate and start over.
I know I'm not perfect. I also know that it's not about being perfect.

How many people either don't even try to change their lives because they feel an enormous amount of pressure to be perfect? How many people give up at the first chance of adversity?

So yeah, that's me: your hopeful BodyMedia Fit Spokesbody--flawed, imperfect, human.

Redeemable

[[EDIT: Also, the one thing I know about me is that this is not the time to get on a scale to see the damage I've done, or what I need to undo. It's the behaviors and attitude that are the problem regardless of what a scale says. I could have even maintained my weight for all I know (I had my fair share of skipped meals the past 2 weeks as well). The scale is a tool, not a compass. My heart and mind are the compass and I already know they're askew. If I fix my heart and mind, everything else will snap into place.]]

FGvW Vlog #4: The Joy of Exercise!

2011-06-12T13:46:00.000-04:00

Seconds

2011-06-09T06:28:00.000-04:00

I was about to post how I failed the June #GoTheDist challenge of being able look at myself in the mirror with lovingkindess.

I spent a good 20 minutes in the mirror scanning my skin, picking at it, and plucking stray hairs on my chin/neck and eyebrows.... and even on my leg.
It was beyond normal grooming. I am stressed out about the day to come, and this is how my anxiety decided to show itself.

I was like "oh man, today started off a failure."
But you know what... I'm going to refuse to let it be that way.

Who ever said I get one stab at this per day?
No one.

And the towel comes off.... Take two.
**deep breath**

just keep swimming... one second at a time..... one minute at a time.... one hour at a time.... one day at a time...

(I also want to give another big shout out to @KCLAnderson -- who is my hero for posting about this in her blog. Cutters get all the fame (movies like Secretary, Girl Interrupted, etc.) but there are lots of skin pickers out there and no one advocating for them, or telling them that it's more common than they think. While we may feel marginalized and a bit freaky for this stupid habit/anxiety disorder, we're not alone.)

FGvW Presents: Workout and Interview with Marshall Milam

2011-06-07T09:57:00.000-04:00

Big thanks to Marshall Milam of http://www.arizefitnez.com.

Check out his site for lots of great info!

Naked Lovingkindess a la @KCLAnderson

2011-06-06T07:49:00.003-04:00

My apologies for the interruption of the past two entries--my personal life reared its ugly head and I needed (1) an outlet to vent and (2) to be in a safe place/among friends. It's really hard for me when someone calls me (or something that I have done) mean. In this instance it was an act of self-preservation that was unfairly judged as mean after months of suffering. I know I'm no saint, but I also know when I'm being treated unfairly. I'm a good and kind person (far from the heinous bitch I used to be) that didn't deserve to be mistreated.

I turned to my favorite little book, "The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace,"by Jack Kornfield for some direction, and found it in this quote:

Forgiveness does not forget, nor does it condone the past. Forgiveness sees wisely. It willingly acknowledges what is unjust, harmful, and wrong. It bravely recognizes the sufferings of the past, and understands the conditions that brought them about. There is a strength to forgiveness. When we can forgive we can also say, "Never again will I allow these things to happen." We may resolve to never again permit such harm come to ourselves or another.

So in the end I had to have compassion and forgiveness not only for the person that hurt me, but for myself for allowing my walls to come down and to let someone else close enough to do the damage. But a line was crossed and I could no longer let such harm come to myself. Like I alluded to in the previous post, I was bending too much to accommodate him, and in doing so I lost my own structural integrity. He hurt me in two ways -- directly by his (in)actions and misrepresentations, and indirectly by pulling me so off-center and away from myself that my natural instincts weren't alerted to the harm being done until it was too late.

Am I mad at him? Yes and no. But any anger is really overshadowed by a sense of compassion (bordering on unhealthy pity, as pity comes with judgment and I try not to be judgmental). How broken does a person have to be to hurt someone who is kind and gentle? How lacking in self-awareness must one be to realize that their (in)actions are causing actual pain to another person, especially when that other person is quite adept at putting words to it?

So.... what does this have to do with June's #GoTheDist theme of being able
to look at yourself (and find yourself) naked in the mirror?

Everything.

Remember I asked the "Intuitive Eating/Ditch the Diet" panel how they find their way back to themselves after emotional eating/a binge?

Karen Anderson (@KCLAanderson)'s email to me explaining her mirror process was the loving advice I needed to hear after feeling like I had lost myself for the benefit of another person. With her blessing (I hope), I'm going to share her process with you here:

KCLAnderson’s Self Love Exercise™:

You can do this full clothed, naked, or somewhere in between.
The goal is to be able to do it naked.

Stand with your back to the mirror. Take some deep belly breaths. Think about something that makes you feel all googly inside. A baby? A kitten or puppy? Your significant other? Someone else’s SO? You know the feeling. That melty-heart feeling that actually becomes physical. Get that feeling going. It should feel like your chest is expanding with warmth and goodness . . . an actual physical feeling.

Then turn around with your eyes closed. Soften your eyes. Take a few deep belly breaths. Check your posture? Are you tense? Are your shoulders up around your ears? Unlock yourself. Relax. Take some more deep breaths. Open your eyes and keep them soft. Look at yourself in the mirror with soft eyes and turn that warm googly, melty heart feeling in to yourself. [Stay with that feeling, and in that loving gaze, as long as you can.]

:-)

This takes practice (intention and repetition) as well as patience (knowing you won't be perfect every time). To be able to look at yourself and see what is whole and beautiful (and not what is broken or imperfect) takes time, an abundance of love, and as much forgiveness as you can muster. In my case, it has taken time to see past the (emotional/mental, and physical) scars, but beyond that there is a person and a body that is strong and has survived worse storms than a boy.

Lettuce Not to the Marination of Ribeyes Admit Condiments

2011-06-03T16:34:00.001-04:00

Shakespeare's Sonnet 116:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

In other words...

When love is right, you don't need to change the other person, and you do not need to change yourself (you may have to compromise, but there's no renovation project going on)
When love is right, it can weather rough patches (as my boss says about marriage, "there are good years and bad years"), you can set your clocks to it (it's dependable and constant), and always find your way back to love.
When love is right you can tell by its timeless quality of remaining unchanged over time (and said love can even evolve and deepen).

But when it's not right....

You struggle and suffer to make things work.
There are only rough patches, it is unpredictable and not dependable, and you often lose sight of the chance of love.
You feel like you are working against a clock or a timeline.

But isn't that a great lesson from The Bard?

And to put it in the context of the lovingkindness dialogue I'm working with in my blog -- if you have to change yourself to accomodate another person, is that kind to who you are and what you need?

Nutrition Labels

2011-06-03T01:46:00.008-04:00

In 1990, the U.S. passed a law (Nutrition Labeling and Education Act of 1990) requiring most companies to list their nutrient and ingredient information on their packaged goods as well as limiting the claims a company could make on said packaging ("low in sugar!" "high in fiber!" "will make you live a bazillion years longer!"). Food companies had a little over three years to get their shit straight before this law went into effect in 1993.

Before this, there were many books and resources that would list some of the major nutrients of some processed (and unprocessed) foods, i.e., the T-Factor Calorie Counting book. It told you the basics (calories, fat, carbohydrates/sugars, protein, salt) about the average baked potato all the way up to a Whopper with cheese. (Opinions about food/diet has changed so much over the past 18 years, hasn't it?)

And before that, people didn't care what was in their packaged foods, because pre-packaged industrialized food hadn't been invented yet. Beef came in cow packaging; tomato sauce came in tomato packaging. Any packaging was done in the kitchen (salting, canning, pickling, etc.). Before labeling, one had to rely on a mix of experience, instinct, and social learning to know what foods were good for you and which were not (and it was just a best guess). This was also the golden era before "dieting." It was either you had food or you didn't. (Notice how the diet industry evolved concurrently with the industrialization with food?)

I wish men were required to wear a label*

(I bet you didn't see that coming).

All too often men put forth a(n initial) good showing that they are kind, generous, loyal, honorable (the front of the box health claims) and then as time goes by you see what they really are (the nutrition label showing all sorts of weird petrochemicals, preservatives, and filler).

But unlike that which guides our nutrition choices, men have no labels. We have to go on faith that what men tell and show us is an accurate representation of who they are at their core. We take a risk (emotionally, mentally, sexually, etc.) when we get involved with a man. Sometimes it is a healthy risk, and sometimes it is a very unhealthy risk (but that's something we only find out in retrospect).

Most of us would never go near the guy that was going to break our heart if, from the onset, we knew he was capable of it. They lead with tenderness and care when really they are only looking out for themselves. Their communicativeness is a carefully executed ruse to win trust and lose undies. The effort they expend is proportionate to what they think they can get in return, instead of giving freely from their heart (a/k/a generosity).

I believe that books like The Game and people like Tom Leykis, and even the sexual revolution have screwed the single woman that wants to be in a monogamous relationship with a decent man. Basically if you're a guy and you don't want to be in a relationship, you don't have to be because somewhere there's a woman willing to just have casual sex with you.

As an anthropologist (I studied biological/forensic anthropology in college), I can understand the biological impetus for men to want to have lots of sex with many women (and a woman's desire to nest with one partner), but since the dawn of civilization society has set the rules/boundaries/parameters of such interaction. Recently society has lost its mind. Whereas in the past a guy actually had to be honorable and do right by the woman, the bar is currently set quite low. If a woman has any kind of standards or expectations, she's seen as demanding or is accused of acting entitled. A guy calling on the third day is considered responsive.

Fuck yeah I feel that a guy should (ahem) call me, maybe take me out in public (*gasps*), or introduce me to his friends (outrageous!) if he would like to see me without my clothing on. Is that such a radical idea? Apparently it is.

What gets me most is the misleading/misdirection. Dating is not a magic show where you trick your audience into believing the impossible is possible by distracting them with fast talk or faster hands. I'm a huge fan of calling a spade a spade. If a guy is interested in sex only, he should not lead with talk of a relationship. Men should not put women on layaway (hah!) under the "buy now, pay later" or "fuck now, date later" plan. If you think you're a gentleman and a decent person, take the girl on the date first. If a man is unsure of whether he wants to date or fuck a girl, he should err on the side of caution/decency and ask her out. I don't care if it's coffee or a three-course meal. If a that man is interested in a woman, he should put forth effort. It reads as "you are worth my time/resources/consideration." To me, that's the difference between the gentleman and the jerk. If he uses the promise of dating as leverage to have sex, he is a jerk.

All too often when we experience the jerks, we don't recognize it at first. We see a challenge, or feel that we need to jump up and down, waving our arms in the air in order to be recognized. Furthermore, women are now taking on the roles of the prince slaying the dragon. We go above and beyond to prove our worthiness to a guy. It's so effing backwards. I think if a woman finds herself walking through fire for a guy, it's the wrong guy. No man with a spine, sense of self-worth, or cajones would let a woman assume all the risk and face the fire. That's just basic decency that your mom and dad (should have) taught you.

Imagine if in addition to a nutrition label, the very worst of the worst (the men who make other men look bad) had to have a warning label slapped on them? What if the warning label said "This guy will cheat on you, give you STDs, impregnate you, and embezzle money." You'd avoid him like the plague, right?

But I wouldn't be writing this post if that's the way the world always worked, now would I? The truth still remains that there are men out there that abuse and misuse women. There are men that are like wrecking balls in a woman's life -- completely oblivious or not caring to the damage they cause.

It's hard to practice lovingkindness and forgiveness to yourself when you feel like you've been duped. But I ask you this -- in these situations, did you act accordingly to who you want to be/how you want to be perceived? Were you trusting? Honest? Selfless? Kind? Considerate? Compassionate? How dare you let someone make you feel like you are bad/wrong for being all of these good things. Shame on them for taking advantage of you . Be resilient, if possible, and remain all of those positive attributes. The right person is out there and you don't want to scare him away by being a jaded princess walled up in an emotional fortress.

So yes, I'm talking to myself here. There are a few of my inner circle who know what has been going on in my life (and no, no pregnancy or embezzlement). It's utterly disheartening to meet someone that you could see having a future with and then having it be a complete mirage/one-sided love affair. I'm exhausted from trying. I'm exasperated from trying to explain things to him in a way that he would understand that he was responsible for causing me pain (I still don't know if he understands -- in my mind if you caused someone pain, writing "I'm sorry" in an IM is not enough).

But I am glad that I stood up for myself (albeit it five months late). So many people keep on telling me that I need to love myself before trying to get in a relationship. If you knew me, you'd know how absolutely silly this is to say to me. I love myself beyond compare. I think I'm beautiful, brilliant, witty, sexy, and so much more. Wanting to be in a relationship is not about me trying to supplement myself or be rescued. Part of loving myself so much is knowing exactly who I am and what I need to be happy. I am my happiest when I am able to love someone worthy of my love. I know the quality, depth, and strength of that love and devotion.

If a man doesn't think he's worthy of my love, or unable to handle it, he needs to have enough self-awareness to figure it out and then admit it to himself. No equivocation. No wasting my time. I had actively decided to not have sex with anyone until I found that capable man. I thought I had, and boy was I wrong. And while I regret that he was either duplicitous or had the emotional maturity of a gnat, I know my heart and mind were at engaged long before my body.

To quote Gigi from the movie "He's just not that into you" (I know, I know, not a cinematic great, but it had a few great quotes in it...):

I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

The odd thing is that I feel compassion (bordering on pity) for him. Who passes up the chance to be genuinely loved so easily?

*If you want to bitch and complain about women, feel free to do that in your own blog. And yes, I'm lumping all men together. I know fully well that there are good guys out there, but until I meet one that wants to be with me and treat me well, these are the kinds of guys I have to either deal with or be wary of.

**Also, please no specific man bashing in the comments. I can appreciate that you want to be supportive/protective, but that won't help me feel better and/or move on.

May #GoTheDist Final Thoughts from Vena/@Phatterri

2011-06-01T09:00:00.001-04:00

Vena/@Phatterri is one of #GoTheDist's longest running participants. (hahaha.... I'm funny. Get it? Longest running?)

If you want a great example of how to work #GoTheDist, just look to her -- as she is very consistent about posting her mileage as well as supporting everyone else as they reach their goals. It's utterly inspiring to see how one simple idea, that success is measured in more than just pounds lost can not only unite a community, but help people change their lives, one mile at a time.

Can you believe she's the mother of three grown children? What a hottie!

After a strong finish in the April challenge I decided to go for it in May and increase my run and biking miles to a new high. I felt stronger then I had in a long time and knew that I could meet these goals with no problem, but it was not to be.

Around that second week I started noticing something was off and in my usual fashion I tried to brush it off and keep going. Along with the challenge goals, I have been training for a duathlon set for the end of June. The more I ran and trained the more exhausted I felt. On the 13th I was scheduled to run a 5k and an old knee injury reared it’s ugly head at mile one. I ended up doing run/walk intervals and still managed to complete the race with around a little more than 12 minute pace.

Between the knee and my exhaustion I knew a doctor’s visit was necessary. The doctor told me needed to have my meds adjusted and take a week off of EVERYTHING. OMG that was a tough week. I kept thinking about losing mileage. It was also really hard to watch my training buddies move forward with training and having to modify my workouts to take it easy. What? They said no workout, well I didn't run. Bad patient.

After a week I got clearance from my doctor to run and train again. I had to cut my mileage by half and slow down. This actually wasn't so bad I had gotten to the point where I couldn't run for more than half a mile without gasping for breath. With the slower pace I've gone as far as 4.5 miles without a break. That's awesome.

This month showed me that is not all about the numbers. I need to take better care of myself and reach out for help at the first sign that something feels wrong. By the end of the month I only got to 70% of my goal but you know what that's okay. Onward & Upwards!

End of May #GoTheDist, Announcing June #GoTheDist

2011-05-31T14:44:00.004-04:00

So.... May's #GoTheDist challenge is coming to a close. I'm saying I reached 3/4 of my goal: I did 100% in one modality and a little over 50% in another. I'm happy with this mainly because I am not stressed out about my weight, or feeling like I didn't put in enough effort. I worked hard the whole month.

The lovely Ms. Vena (@Phatterri) will be writing May's Wrap-up post and that will be posted soon.

I thought quite a bit about the theme of "Second Chances" this month -- about giving myself second chances as well as giving other people second chances. I think it requires a wise and compassionate heart to be able to realize that we are often not perfect out of the gate, and that some things actually take effort and practice in order to achieve results. For most of us looking to change our lives and our health, this is one big second chance -- we reached a point in our lives where we found the strength to say "No, this is not the way my life will play itself out" and it requires a few fits and starts until we have tangible momentum.

I've also learned about when another chance is appropriate and when it is just time to move on. Some things are just within our grasp, not now, not ever. It's not a failing to admit your (or another person's) limitations, it does not detract from our basic goodness. To paraphrase Tara Brach, there's enough dukkha (suffering) in our lives, why add to the suffering by lumping judgment on it (what she calls the "Second Arrow")?

With that in mind....

June is going to be dedicated to something Karen Anderson (@KCLAanderson) said during #Fitbloggin's "Intuitive Eating/Ditch the Diet" panel. I quoted one of my favorite Jack Kornfield quotes: "In the end, forgiveness simply means never putting another person out of our heart" and then asked the panel something like "When things are going wrong, when you're binging and down on yourself, how do you get back in your heart?" Infinitely wise, Karen said that she stands in front of her mirror.... NAKED... with no harshness in her face. She looks at herself compassionately and cultivates a self-love feeling, and that is her pathway back into her heart (i.e. forgiveness).

Like I said, she is infinitely wise, but also brave. I'm willing to bet that this is probably terrifying to most people. Is it so scary if you know other people are doing this as well?

June's #GoTheDist challenge will still have the same tracking components and spreadsheet (miles, classes, steps, water, strength, or whatever you want to add) but I'm going to take it a bit farther (and along the same lines as February's challenge, as well as New Rule No. 3):

Every day have some naked time (it doesn't matter how long) -- but it is completely naked, no cheating.
Find yourself in front of a full-length mirror and find a way to look at yourself compassionately and lovingly as you are right now (i.e. do not envision how you want to look)
If you find this hard, put your hand over your heart and softly say "I am here... I am here."
Remain in front of the mirror until your heart rate is regular, you've stopped giggling, there's no anxiety about the person looking back at you, and until you start seeing what is perfect over what might be imperfect
And if you can only do it for a limited time (such as if you're a parent, or live with other people) make sure that when you do this that you're not distracted. Be present and in the moment.

And if you need to, tape this to the side of the mirror and read it to yourself if you need the permission to love your naked, vulnerable, wonderful self:

You are perfect, only you don’t know it.
Learn to know yourself and you will discover wonders.
All you need is already within you, only you must approach yourself with reverence and love.
Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors.
Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of the love you bear for yourself;
all I plead with you is this: make love of yourself perfect.
Deny yourself nothing – give yourself infinity and eternity and discover that
you do not need them; you are beyond.
-- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Additional resources:

Tara Brach's Dharma talk on the Healing Power of Self Compassion Part 1 and Part 2

Grab the button for yourself (copy and paste HTML into your blog)

How to Join:

1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).
2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet (do not use Columns F or G, J or K -- they will automatically calculate once link your sheet).

3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (This is a NEW step. Duplicate the "Participant Sheet." If you're comfortable working in spreadsheets you can edit it where it should repeat your personal information. The formula line will look something like "=Summary!A2" -- replace the 2 with whatever line you are on the summary spreadsheet. For =Summary!B2 do the same, etc.).

4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]" (If you want to link your page back to summary spreadsheet, go for it. It's a huge help. Column F will look like this (minus the brackets): ='[your tab name]'!D43 Column J will look like this (minus the brackets): ='[your tab name]'!E43)

5. Fill out the sheet as you wish.

6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.

7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!

8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES OR TABS! Do not SORT. If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page. Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.

Follow up re Emotional Eating

2011-05-28T20:25:00.001-04:00

This is the follow-up from my previous post about emotional eating and the desire to become an intuitive/informed eater.

My Take on Intuitive Eating

2011-05-23T22:07:00.004-04:00

#Fitbloggin's Ditch the Diet: How to Eat Intuitively panel was kinda intense. I have lots of thoughts on this topic, so please bear with me if I go in circles or on tangents.

If I were to say "at one point in your life, you were an intuitive eater" would you believe me? When you were a baby would you cry when you were hungry? You should be nodding yes. Would you eat way past the point of satiety? Probably not, and if you did, you must've been one little vomit cannon. Now that you have more choices than a breast or a bottle, food and eating have become an emotional minefield. I just wanted to say this early on to help remind you that if you were once an intuitive eater you can find your way back to being one.

My journey into intuitive eating wasn't necessarily the kumbaya feel-good cathartic process. It started with a few basic admissions on my part: (1) I wasn't taught proper nutrition when I was younger; (2) I had no idea what my body actually needed; (3) I had no idea what my "diet" actually looked like and if my nutritional needs were being met; and (4) there's a difference between mindless/mindful grazing and intuitive eating.

I couldn't do much about the first point (though, forgiving my parents was a big part of it and letting go of the "if only they knew, I wouldn't be like this" grudge was instrumental in my healing). However, I could work to understand and correct the final three.

It is safe to say that I had been winging the whole diet thing for a while. While I had a trainer (back in 2006), I had very little guidance when it came to nutrition. I would run a 10k at the gym, do some weights and core work, and then go get a greasy spinach/chicken quesadilla and a beer as a reward for my hard work. Of course I was frustrated that I wasn't losing weight faster! There was a huge disconnect in my mind (and in my behavior) regarding fueling my workouts and my life.

For me, the answer was in gathering data. I knew how to calculate my Basal Metabolic Rate/Harris Benedict Factor, but even that was just an estimate. I needed something more accurate. I knew a little about the BodyBugg from watching The Biggest Loser and that sounded like it could work. I did some research and found out that BodyMedia made both the BodyMediaFit ("BMF") and the BodyBugg ("BB") -- the main difference was the software (the Web interface was different, and the BMF would measure sleep). Otherwise they looked nearly identical. In February 2010, I used my bosses' holiday/end-of-the year checks to purchase the BodyMedia Fit for myself.

I started wearing it as soon it was charged, but (a) it would take a few weeks of information to see patterns emerging in activity and sleep and (b) I would need to go to a dietitian to understand the role food played in all of it. But I was closer to seeing the whole picture:

I led a pretty sedentary life when I wasn't busting my ass at the gym;
I was all over the place with food (eating little some days and too much on others); and
While I was in bed and sleeping for many hours, I wasn't actually getting quality sleep.

My dietitian filled in some of the blanks regarding food as well -- I was an emotional eater with a few trigger foods (Oreos and peanut butter (especially when in cookie form)); I didn't get enough fat, protein or calories in general; and that I was in an emotional relationship with my refrigerator.

Breaking up with my refrigerator (i.e. mindlessly looking in the fridge as if something new were going to appear) was much easier than correcting what was missing in my diet and much easier than handling the trigger foods. Dealing with the trigger foods would come much later in an epiphany of sorts.

Re-learning about diet and nutrition was much easier once I was able to break up with the fridge and break free of the emotions that made me feel powerless around food. Once I realized that food did not make me happy in the way I thought it was making me happy, it no longer held sway and dominion over me. Let me rephrase: I could be happy to eat something, but eating something won't bring me happiness. I had to deal with the (un)happiness away from the kitchen.

Pretty soon I had cleared away enough emotional/mental space to deal with the questions of intuitive eating. This is once again where the BodyMediaFit played a big role. Once I knew how many calories I was burning, it was much easier for me to say "I know my body needs this" versus "I think this is what my body needs" or "this is what I want." My ability to estimate portion sizes and calorie counts became much more accurate the more I used my scale and my BMF. I also knew my exercise burns much better. I knew how much an hour on the elliptical would burn versus an hour on the bike, or an hour weight lifting. I knew that I could adjust my diet accordingly and without panic.

Is this intuitive eating? Yes and no. It's the best I can do, but sometimes it falls short of my dietary needs.

It's what I like to call "informed eating" -- I'm not counting calories as much anymore, but I am almost always wearing my BMF (even if I'm not syncing it or checking my burn on the display). I am comfortable with the feelings of hunger I might have on a day when my burn is high. But I'm also comfortable in sitting with that hunger knowing that if I'm within a certain range, that my food is still fueling my activity (I try not to have more than a 1000 calorie deficit and I aim for 750/ 1.5lbs/week).

Is this perfect? Nope. When I hit a plateau, I know it's time to start food logging again, mainly to make sure I'm eating enough of the right things.

Have I had a binge lately? Well I've overindulged a bit when it comes to vodka, but no emotional "ZOMG I NEED TO EAT THIS BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT IN MY LIFE" feelings lately. I consider that enough of a victory for now.

I really do credit the BodyMediaFit for this -- it took the emotions out of the process of diet/exercise. It was now a math equation (as many doctors and scientists have said all along):

Calories in < Calories Out

The emotions have to find their own equation.